WHERE IS THE LOVE?

It seems to me that it's not okay with the world, nay, it is unbelievable to many in the world, that it is possible for me to be single and happy. Lately, not a day goes by without someone making some reference or inquiry as to my romantic status.

My father’s wife when I called her to let her know that it would be fine for them to come spend the night while in town helping her friend move:

“Isn’t there a romantic lover who would be wanting to spend the night? That we would be interrupting?”

Subtle.

My dear friend Allison in her e-mail to me this morning:

How is suberbendy bob?
Anything?

Superbendy Bob is what I call the cute guy at the gym who does yoga, including the horizontal splits as I attempt to flirt with him while sweating like a man. And no, there’s no response. Nothing. And since in my experience when I initiate I end up renting the boat, making the picnic and rowing the boat that is the resulting relationship, by myself - and I don't enjoy it - there will most likely continue to be nothing.

My friend Alex as we were discussing what a nightmare internet dating is, and how come two women she knows have successfully hooked up – they were desperate, and now they’re in love – and we haven't (I don't know if I could ever get that desperate): “Well you haven’t been dating!”, when I encouraged her to keep it up. She at least has an Italian with Prada connections who's interested - I'd check that out albeit for admittedly mercenary reasons. All those bad dates can just beat you down man – and I so seriously suck at saying no, when I know damn well that there is no chance in hell that it will ever go anywhere. So I end up spending more hours on dates I don’t want to be on. A year and a half and countless hours I can't get back are all it took for me to finally realize that he's not on the internet. And also made me wish that I was sexually attracted to women.

Last week my friend Joe regarding a BBQ where his band was going to be playing: “Yeah, there’s 7 brothers in that family – maybe you could “hook up”, huh?” Um, yeah. All the brothers were very cute that's true. And they're all around twenty five years old! The one I found myself flirting with who appeared to have entered his third decade turned out to be married. So, no. I couldn't hook up.

Next week my friend Lori will be coming to stay and I need to get a stop watch to time exactly how many second pass before she says, “Soooooooo? Are you seeing anyone?” At one point I made up a boyfriend – a divorced salesman who lived in San Francisco – just so I could get her to leave it alone. But I kept forgetting the name I made up and when she’d ask me how he was and what was going on with our relationship, I’d get a real confused look on my face – so I finally had to tell her we broke up. I don’t know if she focuses on the lack of a boyfriend in my life to avoid the version of love she’s gotten herself into. She met a guy, moved in with him in 8 weeks and married him after 16 weeks. He withholds sex and won’t allow her to masturbate. When he’s away on business he picks a fight with her on the phone so he won’t have to have sex with her when he gets back. Her first marriage wasn't a whole lot better. But she's in love - although she's certainly not happy.

People! It’s not like I have no desire for love or a relationship!! It’s not like I am not open to meeting a great guy and falling in love. I am, however, at this point in my life, not really interested in hooking up with just any guy so that I can be part of a socially proscribed world of couples, or so that my father’s wife can introduce him to people at one of their inner child workshop holiday open houses as my “romantic lover.” If I wanted to do that there were lots of guys on Match.com who were up for it. I just can’t have a relationship with someone who I have no physical attraction to. I understand that relationships are about more than sex – but I know from experience that I will at least be motivated to hang out and work on things if I get squishy stomach just looking at a guy – even when I’m really mad at him. And that someone who makes me laugh really hard and thinks the same twisted shit is funny that I do can give me squishy tummy and can still be my best friend even when I’m working his last nerve. It’s just not that easy to find, but I have been blessed to be in love more than once, and I have faith that it will happen again when it’s supposed to. It just seems like all these people who take such an inordinate interest in my love life don’t have the same faith that I do. What I hear in their questions is, “what’s taking so long?”

In order to put their minds at ease I have considered alternative scenario answers such as: “Well, I can’t really talk about it until he’s left his wife – but he’s great! You’ll love him!!” Or – “I promise that you’ll meet him, hopefully someday soon! He comes up for parole in about 6 months and we’re feeling pretty positive.” I wonder if they would heave a sigh of relief that I was successfully hooked up. Hopefully that would at least stop Lori from asking total strangers if they have any single sons who would be interested in going out with me. But then she’d probably start in with, “Sooooooo? When are you going to have a baby?”

But I'm afraid they might take me seriously and start planning a "welcome home" party for my prison paramour, so I'm considering Boyfriend in A Box as a viable alternative. The only problem is I can't decide between Cowboy Clint, Musical Miles, or Self-Made Stan. I'm leaning toward Clint because I could blame his long absences on the fact that he's touring with the Rodeo and I could start wearing a cowboy hat and Wrangler jeans and talk with a twang - and blame that on Clint. Who has amazing abs from all that bullriding.