Friday, August 27, 2004


The Republican Convention starts on Sunday and I was going to get all serious and stuff about what a threat this administration is to the general reputation of our great country in the world at large - I mean Hello! if you're watching the Olympics, or the Olys as this clever girl calls them, then have you noticed how totally empty stands erupt with cheers for U.S. athlete's over there? It's the age of technology and it's being added for the U.S. audiences who watch those events almost 8 hours after they happen. What I'm hearing from people who are there is that those worthy athletes from the United States are being met with, at best, polite applause. There's a definite "chill" going on where the U.S. is concerned if you ask anyone who lives anyplace else but here. Of course if you listened to, or read news sources from other countries that would be no suprise. And NBC is making sure that viewers here still believe that the whole world stands and cheers for us.

And I could go on. I so totally could, but then I started thinking about this upcoming week of festivities around the Republican National Convention in New York City. And I am going to be so curious to see what kind of a party those folks throw. The Democrats had Al Sharpton and Bill Clinton and Barak Obama who all pretty much rocked the house with their speeches. But they also had celebrities running around - I mean Andre 3000 made that scene, and it don't get much hipper than that. So I'll be interested to see who the Republicans will be trotting out. I doubt very much that I'll be able to stomach much of what is said as I have come to realize that so much of it is a big fat lie. Did anyone see the economic report yesterday where it turns out that over 30 million people in this, the wealthiest nation on earth, are living in poverty? Do you think they're going to open with that? No? Me neither. Instead I believe they'll be talking about all those new jobs that have been created over the last year. Mmmhmmm. Jobs at Burger King and Starbucks because everytime you turn around there's another one of those places opening at a strip mall near you.

I'll be interested to see how many days the Prez attends the convention because you know he likes to party. And vacation. In fact, he's spent most of his presidency doing just that - vacationing. And raising money. It will be interesting to see what Anne Coulter drapes her boney ass in - something red and black and white with little swastika buttons maybe? And will their be any women speaking? I heard that Laura will be speaking on a luncheon - I think for other women, so maybe women will just stay in the their seats, listening politely with the legs crossed at the ankles and their hands folded in their laps.

While the Republicans party I think we should all be able to do so at home as well. For instance we can all drink everytime the word "God" is uttered, or everytime W. mispronounces a word, or everytime an ambiguous statement is made about the situation in Iraq. It will be interesting to see how badly our fearless leader screws up his speech, because although he's not allowed to speak unscripted he always manages to somehow mess it up with a little free style. Like recently when he was ominously intoning about how terrorists are plotting new ways everyday to destroy America and take away our freedoms.. and so are we (I do believe he was speaking on behalf of the government).

I received the RNC 2004 Convention Schedule for the big night of the nomination in an e-mail recently and I will share it here, many thanks to the creative soul who launched this onto the world wide web.

New York, NY
6:00pm Opening prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30pm Pledge of Allegiance
6:35pm Burning of Bill of Rights (except for the 2nd amendment)
6:45pm Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46pm Seminar#1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30pm First presidential beer bong
7:35pm Serve freedom fries
7:40pm EPA Address#1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00pm Vote on which country to invade next
8:10pm Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15pm John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are After your Children
8:30pm Round Table disucssion on reproductive right - MEN ONLY
8:50pm Seminar#2: Corporations - The government of the future
9:00pm Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05pm Second presidential beer bong
9:10pm EPA Address#2: Trees - the real cause of forest fires
9:30pm Break for secret meetings
10:00pm Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15pm Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30pm Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35pm Bush demonstration of trademark deer in the headlights stare.
10:40pm John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45pm Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46pm Third presidential beer bong
10:50pm Seminar#3: Education - a drain on our nation's economy
11:10pm Hilary Clinton pinata
11:20pm Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists, the dangerous new cult
11:30pm Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35pm Blame Clinton
11:40pm Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50pm Closing prayer led by Jesus Himself; alternate, Mel Gibson
12:00pm Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

It's pretty much what I expected, but I'll probably watch anyway. Not that often you get to Jesus Himself lead a prayer.

No comments: