PORN STAR BBQ

Last year on Memorial Day I went to a BBQ. It was co-hosted by a couple of friends of mine whom I'd recently introduced. When Louie needed a roommate and Robert needed a place to live they decided to give it a try. The situation works out well because they're both gone a lot. Memorial Day came along shortly after Robert moved in and they decided to have a BBQ.

Robert works in the porn industry - behind the camera - and I love it when he invites the people he works with to his parties. I'm not a big fan of porn, but I really like the people who star in porn movies. I am fascinated by people who spend their days naked having sex in Chatsworth and are willing to talk to me about it.

Robert's compadres ended up at one end of the party and Louie's friends were at the other. It was a bit like oil and water. I don't know if this is because the porn people aren't comfortable mixing with people outside their world or if the non-porn people weren't very open to meeting them - could be both. I was happily moving back and forth though I pretty much settled with the porn folks because just listening to their conversation was eye opening.

If I had been wearing pearls I would've been clutching them.

I wish I could remember all the last names because they make'em up to sound porn-ish. Except for Dick Smothers II. He is the son of Dick Smothers from the Smothers Brothers who I grew up watching on TV when I was a kid. I never thought about it before I met Dick 2, but that is pretty much a ready made porn name. I wonder if that's what led him to the business?

That's pretty much the question I ask the most. So what brought you to porn?

In the words of Tyler, a very sweet 24 year old honey blonde with a sparkly Barbie disco phone, who is from Texas, "honey, most of us are fucked up or we wouldn't be doing this." When I met her she had only just started and was happy to tell me about her first "scene" which was only about a month before. Apparently you don't do a movie - you do "scenes" and so far she'd done six scenes. According to Tyler she's got Daddy issues - he hit her, yelled at her, called her names. She told me that when she's doing a scene what she's thinking about is how she's got control and she can make a man do what she wants and that there's a part of her that's angry at men and this is how she gets her revenge. I was amazed at her self awareness and I was impressed by how articulate she could be about the experience. I asked her if she thought she was being self destructive and she said, "no, I'll do it until I'm done doing it and then I'll do the next thing."

And then there was Jessica - a tall, skinny brunette with huge boobs and teased hair and a ton of make up. She'd been working for the last four days and was exhausted. On the opposite end of the spectrum from Tyler, she was sullen and mono-syllabic, but she might have gotten perkier once she got up from her nap. For most of the evening she lay in state on Robert's bed looking like Vampira and providing great entertainment for a few of the other guests who would go in and stand around ogling her.

Probably one of the most interesting people I met that night was Nick. He's 37 and very very very good looking, but I'm pretty sure he's got a bigass personality disorder. He grew up in the Midwest, playing baseball with his dad and he was really really really good. He was going to have a career in the major leagues. He injured his shoulder playing ball in college and his dreams all disappeared. He finished college anyway and went on to get a master's degree in Human Resources, moved to New York and worked for Citicorp. He was very successful but he got bored. He did a little modeling, a little acting and ended up doing porn. Since he couldn't be the best baseball player he decided to be the best porn star. Ever. He can do 4-5 scenes a day. Without Viagra. He doesn't like it because it makes his jaw tight and it feels really speedy. Anyway, all this time he's been rehabbing his shoulder and he's back to working out and he's got Jesus on his side so he plans to make another shot at the baseball dream and he won't stop until it comes true. He's also started to direct porn and he's making lots of money.

The director of the latest movie Robert was working on was also at the party. He used to be an actor, back in the day, now he's in his late 50s and he only directs. He is as arrogant as any director you'd meet in the feature world and took umbrage at my contention that porn is boring. He said that the purpose of porn is masturbatory entertainment and that the tried and true that has always worked, will always work. Okay, maybe so, but couldn't you do something about the lighting? And dispense with dialogue all together, maybe just play music? And not that bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm music? He wore his shirt unbuttoned to expose his hairy chest and was dating a 26 year old blonde with boobs bigger than her head.

My most favorite porn star ever, whom I have a big crush on and would love to date if he weren't married (and a porn star), is Herschel Savage. He didn't make it to the BBQ, but he always comes to Robert's karaoke birthday party. He is in the porn star hall of fame. He's also a practicing buddhist and one of the loveliest people to be around. The first time I met him I didn't know who he was, I just knew that I really liked talking to him and sitting next to him. He is so nice to be around.

The downside is that one time, when I was channel surfing, right after the cable company had come and accidentally given me a new box that got every cable channel, I landed on a porn channel and there was Herschel pounding some skinny redhead. Watching someone you actually know having sex is not porn - it's weird and wrong. Eeeuuuww!

Robert's birthday is quickly approaching and I hope that when I see Herschel the memory doesn't come flooding back. I won't be able to look at him without getting embarrassed and clutching my pearls.