I WANT A DUDE DUENNA

One of the first things I do everyday is go visit the fabulous Allison
because I love to read her journal and her daily specials. She's always got something to say that I find interesting and today she did not let me down.

This past weekend she immersed herself in a little social anthropology and discussed with multiple males the issue of monogamy. She got an earfull of that old song and dance about how men aren't hardwired for monogamy. They've got biological drives! So therefore they're off the hook when it comes to making conscious choices about cheating. Their "drives" make them do it.

Now if I were to say that men, for the most part, are evolved to about the level of, let's say, um, dogs - the kind that run and greet you at the door by burying their muzzles in your crotch and then proceed to mount your leg and hump away with gay abandon and a silly grin on their face, well, some men might call me a manhater. But these men who claim that their drives render them incapable of choosing not to fuck around, they're just, you know, guys.

That is such a sad, silly, tired excuse guys! C'mon!! I'd have a lot more respect if you just came out and said that you are scared to death of real intimacy and haven't actually achieved it to date so you don't have that much to lose. And the feeling of "getting away" with something makes that illicit fucking around all that much more fun. Believe me there are A LOT of women in the world who would know exactly what you are talking about.

After my last foray into love and romance it has become clear to me that my picker is broken and I should not be allowed out in public without someone to keep an eye on me. I attract the guy described above like a bee to honey. If a man has issues with intimacy and commitment he WILL find me in a crowded room. The last one didn't look at all like a player - he seemed very sincere and in fact did a very good job at appearing to be participating in an emotionally intimate relationship. Psych! We were just hanging out. We were just buddies! He is currently dating 4 women and having sex (probably unprotected) with all of them. He's got that drive!!

When I get back out there I have decided that I should not be allowed out in public without a minder. What I need is a duenna. In latin cultures this is usually an unmarried older sister, or aunt who accompanies lovers on their dates. She makes sure that nothing untoward goes on. She's like a human boundary. So I want one of those, but I want him to be a guy who's got "drives". Who better to tell you who's a grown up and who's got "drives."

I actually know lots of guys who are able to participate in relationships and while they definitely have biological drives, they are capable of choosing not to screw around. They enjoy the women they're in relationship with. They enjoy my friendship and are affectionate and attentive to me without ever attempting to mount me. They are, dare I say it, grown men! And I am so thankful that I know them.

If I don't get me a dude duenna, I imagine it's only a matter of time before one of those guys with out of control urges tries to get me to go to one of these for some "welcome touching". Geez!