C'MON ALREADY!

It's still fucking raining! Yesterday I was laying on the couch watching the Vikings kicks the Packers ass and I was starting to understand why the suicide rate is so high in Seattle. And up there people at least know how to drive in the rain. Here in Southern California? Not so much.

Saturday I drove out to Arcadia for my mother's husband's daughter's son's, from this point on referred to as my nephew, band fund raiser. Now normally this is not something that I would want to do on a Saturday night, but I had done come to stuff for his sister when she was in colorguard, and he had been dissed off the drumline and was feeling kind of bad about it so I wanted to show support. He now plays the snare and about 4 other instruments utilizing 4 different pairs of sticks.

The Arcadia High School band competes in competition and wins all kinds of trophies and this year they are going to Washington DC to play at the inauguration. While I am distressed that this administration is spending 3.5 million dollars on the wing ding, I mean c'mon already it's the second time, it's in bad taste to go big. Especially when they got us into a war that's costing billions and doesn't look like it's going to end. But still this will be an opportunity for David to be part of something cool and historical. I asked him to take pictures of the protests since the regular news doesn't ever show us any of that stuff.

After risking death on two flooded freeways to get out there I sat through the bands peppy renditions of When Johnny Comes Marching Home and a beautiful version of taps. Both appropriate when you consider that the kids who were playing the music would all be elegible for the draft in a couple years, if not next year, and Taps well, Lord knows that tune's been getting a workout since this president took office. I sat there and felt sad for my country while I listened to it.

I was soon distracted from my angst by the death ride home on the freeway. For some reason California driver's do not consider torrential rain and flooded freeways reason enough to slow down. This could be because traffic was pretty light and they were all driving SUVs, but in any case I saw more than one person learn the hard way that weaving in and out of slower moving traffic when there's lots of standing water will cause one to hydroplane! So not only was I having to be careful due to the vision impairing downpour and the flooding, I was also having to dodge assholes in spinning Suburbans.

So yesterday, when I woke up once again to dark skies and water, water everywhere I decided I wasn't leaving the house. And not only that I wasn't getting out of my pajamas. Basically I indulged in a little depression and spent the day pissing and moaning like a truculent toddler who is not getting her own way. If I'd had an audience I would've had a tantrum. It's probably good that I didn't and that I wasn't around people. Because the PMS? Still in the house.

There were two bright spots though:

1) I heard about this new amendment to the California Vehicle Code. Assembly Bill 1854- If your program discusses headlight usage, please update CVC section 24400 regarding required usage of headlights to reflect the following: Windshield Wipers On = Headlights On
This section is being updated to state “every motor vehicle, other than a motorcycle, be operated with headlamps whenever weather conditions prevent a driver from clearly discerning a person or other motor vehicle on the highway from a distance of 1000 feet, or when driving in conditions that require windshield wipers to be in continuous use.” This is good to know because it became law on January 1, 2005 and it's a ticketable offence.

2) I saw the premiere of the fourth season of the Surreal Life and it's the Surrealist group ever. I came in late but got caught up pretty quick. There's Chyna Doll a female wrestler who was wearing a bathing suit and stripper shoes and working out with a thigh master and moaning orgasmically in the first 10 minutes of the episode. There's Christopher Knight aka Peter Brady, the Brady I always crushed on, and he's still pretty darn cute. There's Da Brat, a chubby short chick who I know is a rapper, though I can't think of anything she's recorded offhand. Which is probably why she's on the show. Next to arrive via taxi cab driven by Kathy Griffin is Jane Weidlin who was a go-go and now plays at fetish clubs and lives on a coffee plantation with her husband in Panama. Then Kathy picks up Adrianne Curry the winner of the first season of America's Next Top Model AND Marcus Shenkenberg, the Calvin Klein model, and they are both tall and beautiful. Last to arrive is Vern Troyer aka Mini Me, and he is an angry little dward when he discovers the half naked and all inebriated Chyna Doll in the room with the little closet full of all her clothes and she's sitting at the little bar drinking from the little airplane bottles of booze.

He goes and calls his manager and tells and the Peter Brady starts negotiations with the drunk doll and eventually gets her to move into one of the rooms with three beds in it. Adrianne moves in with Marcus and Peter Brady, she's no fool that Adrianne leaving Da Brat and The GoGo to room with the Doll. It takes all of them to move her shit out of MiniMe's room, she has brought along bottles of booze, just in case there wasn't any provided.

Dinner is on Adrianne. Like literally. She's naked and laying on the table with leaves placed strategically over her girl parts and on top of the leaves is a sushi buffet. Someone takes a piece from her crotch and says, "Is this crab?" It's either the Doll or the dwarf, who is sitting up by her right breast squealing and being a total pig. I wonder if he gets away with that stuff because he's a dwarf and people are afraid to call him on it? He actually tweaks her nipple and the poor girl can't do anything about it without upsetting the buffet.

After dinner Vern goes to his room to "sleep" and Jane and Adrianne go skinny dipping while Peter Brady and Markus watch. Someone tells MiniMe that there are naked women in the pool but by the time he can get on his scooter and get out to the pool they're in their robes. Poor little Vern stand about 32" tall and he's already drunk, but he keeps drinking and when he starts to pass out on Peter Brady everyone gets a little worried about the possibility for alcohol poisoning and a dead dwarf.

And the whole thing gets really surreal when Vern is passed out cold so Peter Brady carries him into his bedroom escorted by Markus on MiniMe's little motorized cart. Once he's in bed Vern starts moaning as Adrianne tries to get him to drink water. When Peter Brady comes in to check on him he does this really weird stuff with his little hands, playing with Peter's shirt and face. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen and Peter says it's pretty much the weirdest thing he's ever dealt with.

But it gets weirder. Chyna Doll is passed out on her back on her bed with one foot on the floor and she's snoring like a band saw. I mean it's really really loud. Da Brat stands there staring at her and says, "well, I guess I'll go sleep on the couch." On her way out to the couch she runs into MiniMe who's up again, riding his little motorized bike around - naked. Apparently he's looking for the bathroom because he ends up peeing in the corner of the gym area.

Da Brat goes and gets Peter Brady because he's kind of like the only one who's willing to take charge. Peter, Markus and Adrianne all stand in the doorway with their mouths hanging open and then everyone gets the giggles as they wonder what to do. And that's pretty much where it ends which pretty much gaurantees that I'll be tuning in to watch this season of the surreal life.

And the fact that this was the most entertaining hour - the best time I had all weekend - well, now you know why I was feeling the empathy for those people who commit suicide in Seattle. Thank God the rain will be gone by Wednesday because I'm losing it.

I'm really losing it.