J'ACCUSE EVA!

This week’s episode of ANTM revealed Amanda to be not just annoying, but the official crazy, evil bitch, a role previously played by Robin in season one, and Camille in season two. There’s something kind of twisted about making the girl you love to hate a blind girl, but I like it!

Last night’s episode started with J. Alexander teaching the girls to walk in really high heels on a runway. I love Miss J. He has pretty, pretty legs. Prettier than most of the girls. And his legs are being displayed because he’s wearing a white dress shirt and high heels and that’s about it. Actually J. is wearing a number of ensembles as he goes about his day with the girls. He must travel with a rolling rack. The girls all put their high heels on and start strutting their stuff and they all pretty much suck. Frankly, I was surprised that Cassie didn’t do better than she did – I mean she’s a stripper. Those high heels shouldn’t present a problem for her but she doesn’t look at all comfortable. In fact they all pretty much sucked except for Ann who grated with her know it all comments and, of course Eva, who is just fierce.

Oh, and Yoanna, the winner from last year showed up to tell them all about how fabulous her life is now. Yoanna really needs to take some of her model money and buy herself some boobs. I mean she is flatsy Patsy – there ain’t nothin’ there but nipples. Why is she wearing Ugh Boots with her yellow summer dress?

I can’t help but like Eva the Diva. Even when she’s obnoxious at least she's got integrity – and she’s nice to Ann who has a not so secret crush on her and wouldn't be functioning at all if it weren't for Eva. I wonder if Eva knows that? It could be a factor in coming episodes, this is a competition after all. From staggering down the runway class the girls go immediately to a Heatherette fashion show where they are going to model the creations of the two gay cliche designers. In a dark room. On a skinny runway.

Uh-oh Amanda – doom-doom-doom!

Amanda is being made up and expressing great anxiety about the fact that in the dark she is completely blind, as in blind as a bat blind. And none of the girls will tell her how many steps to the runway. Those bitches. All she wants is an even playing field. Um, Amanda – the modeling world isn’t about affirmative action for people with disabilities. I thought for sure she was going to fall off the edge, but the glitter that was strewn all over the runway saved her like moonlit pebbles on the path helped Hansel save Gretel.

No it was Norelle who was walking in 7” heels for the first time in her life that fell ass over teakettle. Poor Norelle. She was so excited to be modeling for Heatherette her very most favorite designers. That was the best. Falling down while doing it. Not so great. Norelle is like nineteen going on twelve.

The rest of the girls do somewhere between mediocre and just okay. Although Tocarra elicits loud applause and she definitely works it. But can I just say that it looked like she was going to knock herself out with one of her bouncing boobs. Damn!

When the girls get home Amanda has a conversation with her roommates about how she’s missing $100 and her laundry. Which apparently Eva distributed when it came back (why don't they show that kind of stuff?). So of course Eva stole. I mean she’s loud and she can be a bitch so that makes her a thief right? J. Alexander shows up to let the girls know that Eva won the strut contest at the Heatherette fashion show. Even though she didn’t work the cape she was wearing. She gets to pick two girls and they’re all going to go on a yacht with Yoanna and get spa treatments. Eva does an “in your face” dance in front of the all the girls, shouting that she showed all those tall girls. Boy, Eva can sure be obnoxious, but I'm not buying it for a minute that she would steal. She's not stupid. She chooses Ann (duh) and Kellie (huh?) to go with her on the boat trip.

Amanda HATES it that Eva won. She has left bait in the form of jewelry and a $10 bill on the dresser in order to “catch a bitch”. She does an evil little dance as she sings a little song. Amanda says that if anyone takes her crystals she’ll really lose it. And then she bodychecks Eva in the hallway, where she stands ironing. God, I hate Amanda. Eva tells Amanda that she can’t do that and not say excuse me. Amanda won’t say excuse me to the girl who has been stealing from her. And Eva tells her “it’s on”. Then out of left field Jennipher starts spouting off, in a really loud voice, about how glad she’ll be to have the bitch out of the house for a few hours. And now Ann jumps in and they’re screaming in each others faces and Jennipher bodychecks Ann who gets all L.L. Cool J. and says that if Jen touches her like that again, “I’m gonna knock you out.”

The rest of the girls all kind of huddle, ducking their heads, wanting to stay out of the brawl. Except for Kelle who just keeps walking around like a dumb blonde wondering where she could get some sunglasses. And then she finds them. Poor Kelle she looks like a dumbass in those sunglasses. Yoanna shows up and the winner and her three pals go for finger sandwiches and massages and cruise around the harbor in New York. And back at the apartment guess what happens? Amanda’s crystals are missing. So she goes and snoops around the family room, looking under the curtains. God she is so blind.

Which is why she misplaced her crystals.

And probably everything else she lost. Amanda you’re blind. You keep telling everyone you’re blind so why no one has said to you, “hey, you know since you’re blind you might have misplaced these things that you accused Eva of stealing" is beyond me. But no one says that. And Amanda who is pretty much the personification of a two faced bitch, which oddly, she also accused Eva of being, cops to jumping to conclusions and apologizes. I wonder if this will be a theme. Each week Amanda will do something else really shitty and then apologize for it in her sweet “mommy” voice. And expect everyone to be okay with it because she's blind.

Eva’s like, “whatever” – she says to the camera, “I may be loud, but I’m not a thief.” You gotta love Eva. Even when she’s obnoxious she’s pretty funny. Her response to Amanda calling her out about being all sweet in front of the judges and a bitch at the apartment - “I can’t help it. I am cute.” Heh.

Next event – a Lee Jean photo shoot where the girls will be topless and pose together sprawled on the floor. The point of this is to see who can stand out in a crowd. Norelle is very excited to take off her top and run around because she “loves her boobs” and that gets old pretty quick. I still like Norelle – she’s this season’s quirky Shandi, and also the only one of the girls who is odd looking and coltish enough to actually do runway couture. The rest of the girls are also pretty comfortable with the nudity. I guess after the previous two seasons you pretty much know if you get on this show, at some point you’re going to have to take your clothes off. Kristi, it seems had no idea, and she’s just completely thrown. She lies there all clenched and it’s not pretty. Yaya looks amazing, as always. I think she’s this season’s Mercedes only she has acne instead of lupus. Ann is lying next to Eva so she’s finally able to bring it and her photo looks great. Kelle looks scary and I’m starting to see what she meant when she told Tyra she thought her lips made her look like a monkey. Tocarra is all voluptuous and beautiful and how cool would it be if she was in the final three? Nicole looks good, but she’s not getting much screen time. It makes me worry for her. You gotta give good drama, or fall on your face to stick around here. Which is why I think Cassie may be the next to go. She’s pretty but she’s not a stand out and she’s not a drama. Uh-oh. Methinks it will be back to the stripper pole before she knows it. Jennipher? Also, going to go soon. Amanda looks like Draco Malfoy. Or his sister. And she’s staying because, well, she’s blind and she hates Eva and she’s the resident bitch you love to hate in season three. But I will be so happy to see her go.

At the elimination ceremony the girls are made to walk in shoes two sizes to small and wear bright pink tube tops that they are able to pull down to just cover their butts. The judges laugh and smirk as they totter in. Hell I laughed when Norelle tottered in. Watching them all made my feet hurt. And when Jennipher turned around and lifted her dress to reveal the letters ANTM printed across her ass cheeks my mouth fell open. Wow – she just brought a whole new meaning to the term dumbass. Janice told her she would get fired pulling that on a fashion shoot. Nole said he couldn’t find anything positive to say about Jennipher or her photo.

And that’s why she found herself with tears streaming down her face, standing next to Kristi and her huge man jaw, praying that Tyra would turn her photo over and tell her that she was still in the running to becoming America’s Next Top Model...

Which she did. And Jennipher about sobbed with relief.

And Kristi went back to the apartment and packed her American flag prom dress saying that she’s just too conservative for this kind of thing, and that she thinks she can better learn to be a model at home. And then she rolled her suitcase out the door, and I’m thinking, uh huh, one more uptight, repressed “Republican” proving that they really can’t be fun and sexy. They just don't believe it's right.