Wednesday, June 16, 2004


I was driving to work this morning listening to Kevin and Bean - KROQ's morning DJs. There is a guy named Ralph on the show who does the showbiz report, but he has also reported on his various activities - like going to a swinging party and what he did there, e.g. he had sex with several different women. When he did that report I sat in my car upon arriving at work to listen to the whole story because rather than being some really cool guy he was the total tourist. I could almost see him wandering around through a room crowded with writhing sweaty bodies wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a camera around his neck. I loved his comment about how there were some real scary looking people there - hee!

Another time he tried to break the world record for the most ejaculations in a 24 hour period. The number to beat was something like 37 and he figured how many times an hour he'd have to go at it in order to beat - heh - the record. He got a bunch of magazines and porn tapes and Kevin and Bean called him at home to see how he was coming... er, doing. He had started the night before and was going along at a fairly good clip, but he fell asleep and missed out on some vital hours that he would need to break the record. I think he ended up about 11 short of his mark.

This morning, on the show, they were talking about this reality show where Ralph plays the host, Derek Newcastle and all the contestants are portrayed by improv actors and comedians. All of the cast except for the two contestants who have no idea what's going on. They played clips from the show and I was laughing out loud - Ralph, as Derek Newcastle delivers all of his lines in a pompous, Shakespearean british accent and they have an elimination round almost as soon as the show starts where all of the minorities are kicked off the show. Because if you've ever watched one of these shows the minorities, are in fact, the first to go. I thought it was so Bachelor (loser quarterback version) that they had an elimination 10 minutes after these people laid eyes on their choices, because you know you can tell so much about somebody just by how they look.

This show is a "Last Chance for Love" game where the two clueless contestants, Joe and Jane Shmoe, are looking for love among this motley crew of options, and it sends up every aspect of every one of those dumbass - For love or Money, The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Unchained Love, Elimidate - shows. Like for instance, in the first elimination, instead of the people who get to stay getting a red rose, those who have to go get black balls. About halfway through they have a huge Falcon who comes flying into the room to land on "Derek's" leather gloved arm carrying a message with the latest "twist" - another elimination! And Derek sends him on his way with a, "Thank you, Montecore!" Montecore - hee! My favorite, favorite part - because I am hopelessly immature is this next elimination where the Joe Shmoe picks the women who get to stay and go live in the mansion with him. Derek tells the guy in booming oratory tones that he will give each of those women a pearl necklace. And he keeps reiterating it in various ways, always working in the phrase pearl necklace, till I am giggling uncontrollably. I'm giggling now - it just cracks me up - because you know my dirty mind is someplace else altogether. When the Joe Shmoe tells the women he wishes he could give them all pearl necklaces I lose it completely.

They have taken every "personality" that you've ever seen on a reality show and each actor plays it to the nth degree. Like the "stalker" guy who tells the other potential suitors that he's really excited to try out what he learned in hypnosis class. And then there's the "drunk girl" who gets hammered immediately and lurches around, the "spygirl", the guy from the Gallo wine family who is filthy rich. In the part of the show where the potentials had to give "gifts" to Jane and Joe - the rich guy's gift is that he has sponsored a poor, hungry child, for everyone there. Ahhhhh.

It's sad that these two innocent people have no idea what's going on, but it's also sad that they're not catching on! Maybe that's the saddest part, that reality TV has made people accepting of the most ridiculous behavior and now, truly, anything goes.

All I know is that this is my kind of reality TV and I am absolutley thrilled about Tuesday night at 10pm (that's 7pm PST) on Spike TV. At last a reality show that will keep me occupied on Tuesday nights...

Until America's Next Top Model Returns!

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