Tuesday, May 03, 2005


I'm back on that bubble of not knowing if I'll be employed after the end of this month. It's not the first time I've been here and every time I've been in this position before I've always ended up flowing into the next job. The difference this time is that I know what I want to do and I'm actually doing it, e.g. writing drama for television. I'm not writing it for anyone in particular, nor am I getting paid, but it will be a great writing sample once I've finally gotten it all down on the page. I'm 3/4 of the way through the rewrite and it's coming albeit slowly. When I started writing everyday a year ago I became aware that when I write down the things I want to accomplish they have subsequently been accomplished.

So I'm writing down what I'd like the next job to be - not the specific job itself but the qualities of the experience. I want to write and participate creatively at a job where I work with great people and I get to move around. This sitting on my ass all day is really contributing to the wagon I'm draggin'. I would like my days to be filled with work that holds my attention and challenges me in the very best way, and doesn't feel like work at all so that when I get up in the morning I'm happy and excited that I get to go back and do it again. Even when it's hard. And for this work I will be abundantly compensated both financially and creatively. And if this work involves writing for television well woohoo and hallelujah.

Although I'm still freaking out and feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about what's going to happen, at least I'm not hyperventilating as much. And my appetite is gone which is way better than stress eating. Way better. Because it sucks to be stressed out and to also not be able to get your jeans zipped without shutting down your circulation. I'm sleeping pretty well all things considered probably because I'm working out to help blow off all the anxiety that's rolling around inside me. And because I have my friends Valium and Ambien sitting by my bed should I need them.

I'm keeping the faith, but it's hard not to think about the fact that I'm so upside down financially that I'm one of those people you read about in those ominous articles about middle class Americans who lose their jobs and then collapse in a pile of debt and end up in a homeless shelter.

Or on a corner with a cardboard sign that says "Got work."

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