Monday, April 04, 2005


So my birthday celebratin' has been just wunnerful. I have eaten too much and not slept enough, and remember a while back when I wrote that A. wasn't that into me so why did he continue to e-mail and call? Well, over the last couple weeks it's become very clear that he IS that into me and I totally reciprocate and because I am too pooped to write a whole post, and I have to get my taxes done and to my accountant I'm just going to copy and past an e-mail update I sent to my darling Allison, although it's edited because I tell her absolutely everything and it's not all for public consumption.

Allison - this has never happened to me before. I have always liked sex, but this is really strange. You know how when you're with someone and you go out and you know you're going to go home and have sex? Or you get together to go out and you kiss and then it turns into making out and you end up having sex before you go out? But as far as sex there's always a beginning, a middle and an end?

This isn't like that.

This is like mating season at the zoo.

But with a LOT of conversation and hanging out. I think maybe it's because A. is doing treatment with a Chinese doctor for his ulcer and as part of the treatment he's not supposed to ejaculate. In fact, he's probably not supposed to have sex or delve into arousal at all. But he totally is and it's like what I imagine having sex with Sting must be like. And I'm like a dude in that once I get off I want to roll over and go to sleep, but because of the fact that he's not goal oriented when he touches me we get sucked in over and over. And it's okay for me not to finish because he doesn't and I have to say that just having sex is more fun when there's no pressure to get off. And because there's no pressure I end up getting off all the time.

Like five times yesterday.

And that was after staying up until four in the morning going to various and random parties.

I was out every night last week celebrating the birthday. A. showed up at the all girl chickfest dinner on Thursday with flowers and stayed until we were done, after which I followed him to his house and we danced to Sade singing Smooth Operator on vinyl and then we had lots of sex.

Friday I went home and got my tax stuff in order - that is the one thing that I must complete today - and then went with R. to the Arts and Crafts exhibit at LACMA. I gave him the Parker book which he loved and also tiled a six bottle wine rack that I've been carrying around in my trunk forever. I used earthtone tiles with one single red one and grouted it with gray. It was pretty cool although it wasn't prefect. None of my projects ever really are, but it's the thought that counts. We walked to the museum and then to dinner and we talked and talked. I told him it was really hard for me to see him with Lori when we went to the museum the week before and that no matter who else I love I will always love him. He said he felt that same way and that there was nothing going on between he and Lori which is good because she drinks A LOT. And Saturday night at his party if I'd had to listen to her say one more time, "I'm a mom," I would've slapped her. Thank God I wasn't standing there when she told A. that she wanted to leave, but the sex was so good.

I am totally falling for A. and there is definitely something going on between us, but I get very jealous when I think about R. with anyone else. Because I'm just like that. I was talking to A. about it because he's concerned about R. feeling weird about he and I and he said, "so you still have feelings for him." I said, yes, but not rational feelings. They just are what they are and it's easier if I just feel them and know they're not reality based, they're ego based. I think he got it.

So back to Saturday - A. called and said he'd been invited by some friends to a bbq and did I want to go before R's party. Sure. So I packed my party dress and put on bbq clothes and he picked me up and we went out to the valley for an hour or so, then we changed and went to R's party, got there about 9pm. Stayed until midnight and then went to this party that A's friend Fernando told him about. Fernando is from South America and he's one of those absolutely beautiful, sexual creatures that women go nuts for, until they know better. Which isn't to say that he's not lovely, and probably a great one night stand, but he's a playah.

So we get to this abandoned building in downtown L.A. and we're on the list as Fernando's guests and we go to the top of the stairs and we have to sign releases in case we're on camera. I just sign because what the heck, but in briefly perusing it I see that I am at Dr. Susan Block's institute. Now this is a woman that I occasionally catch when channel surfing, on cable access. I was actually pretty delighted to be at one of her wingdings, although it was so contrived there was nothing sexy about it. It felt like everyone was trying too hard to be all free and sexual and shit. It was actually kind of pathetic. But there was this one girl who was dancing in this long skirt with no top on and a mohawk and she was wearing black gloves and I swear I thought she had NO HANDS! I was completely mesmerized and a little freaked out, but then I saw that she had gloves on. A. and I had fun people watching and making up stories about what everyone did for their day job.

Then we went to his friend Darren's loft, also in downtown, in a building that A. had done all the electrical work in - that was cool to see - he does huge jobs, like high rises and office buildings. So we walk into this loft space and it's like walking into a weird sex/nightclub - only without the creepy sex vibe. Darren is a little guy who apparently has a ton of money because he had this huge computer and it's at what looked like a control center and he can project the screen on to the one wall that's not floor to ceiling windows. Which is behind the stage that is in his living room. When we arrived there was a short, chubby naked man with a crew cut wearing these wings made from pleated organza that had sticks at the ends which extended out from the arms so that the wings could be made to flutter. This girl Sara was also naked and dancing around with the wings. A couple other people were laying on Darren's bed which is a round platform that hangs from the ceiling and another girl in a platinum wig was laying in a vibrating massage chair which she was enjoying so much that her wig was askew.

I shot some very cool pictures with A's camera of the people with the wings. It got to be about 2:30 (we sprung ahead) and I had to take a little nap. When I sat up this woman in a fishnet body stocking was jumping on a trampoline and then Darren attached this nylon tube to the ceiling so that people could get in and move around for photographs. Next he put up the stripper pole which fishnet girl played on. While this felt less contrived it reminded me a lot of the olden days doing drugs and playing with all kinds of toys that my insanely wealthy druggy friends had. Only these people don't do drugs. They're just into being "sexual," but it didn't really feel like that to me. Maybe I was just too tired.

Or I'm just old and jaded and rather than seeing them as free and sexual I see them more as lost and looking for distraction. Or maybe they're just in their 20s? In any case, it's fun once in a while, but I was giving him shit because he commented that at R's party if you didn't want to talk about stereos or cars there wasn't much else going on in the way of conversation, and after we left Darren's I said, "well if you didn't want to talk about sex toys or do provocative naked modern dance, these people weren't offering up a lot in the way of real connection either, although it was definitely entertaining. It was a party and for some reason unless the gathering is intimate it's hard to make a connection - whether your subject is cars or sex toys.

We got home about 4am and even though we were both exhausted guess what we ended up doing again? He went and met his friend for coffee at 10am and then came back and although we got up and attempted to get going we never got out of the house and before we knew it it was like 5pm and we hadn't really eaten. He had to take me home so we went and had an early dinner and then he came in and we laid down for a little bit.

And then we did it again!!!! And by now we're both hurting. The only thing I can liken it to is an insanely good meal and you're so full you're in pain, but you can't stop nibbling. And then there's all the conversation about everything. I don't know if it's the English as a second language thing, but he is in the habit of, and come to think of it always has done this since I met him, he is always telling me what he likes about me: I like that you don't stay angry, I like that I can tell you anything, I like that you laugh at yourself. It's like a positive self esteem workshop. I have never met a man who is so into communicating so openly and I am liking that, among so many other things, about him.

He does all these little things that I love like he put on this CD yesterday morning that was all trumpet music from the 60s and he stood there and folded his laundry naked while I nibbled on a bran muffin and laid on the couch reading with the sun coming in through all the windows. And then he put on this song that was a prayer - in Spanish - and was really beautiful - and he came over and kissed me.

And we ended up doing it again.

And I think, wonder, ponder - can this last? I've been in lots of relationships and I love sex, but it's never been like this before. He tells me all the time, "We are awesome together!" and we're both more than a little blown away I think.

It's a good thing I'm too exhausted to think very much about it because I could freak myself right out.

And he's leaving Saturday for Israel and will be gone for 2 1/2 weeks and I'm thinking I'm going to miss him. A lot. But as I sit her I'm also really aware that vajeena needs a rest.

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