THE DARK SIDE
I don't have time to write a freshie today so I'm going to cheat and post an e-mail exchange between my friend M. and I. We share a love of cheesy reality TV which means that last night was a virtual smorgasborg of televised velveeta which prompted her to send me this missive:
First Michele is voted off Model island and then Constantine??????????? A shocking week to be sure.
Michele with all her breakdown ("I'm going to wind up in a Looney bin") weirdness was so much more interesting than the black chick. What's her name? Kenya? Kendra? Whatever. I don't like her. She's a boring bitch. And now she's apparently a boring fat bitch. Michele was interesting. There was the constant trepidation as to whether or not she would completely crack. There was the constant wonder as to when she would get a root touch-up! Have I mentioned how much I really hate the gawky, bad-skinned, rude, goofball thing...what's her name? The one with the lips. I fucking hate her. I'm afraid she is going to win, too. I think the final three will be the Goofball, Naima, and um...the mousey one.
Moving on. Okay I know you hated Constantine but were you surprised he was voted off over the pig-faced Scott Savol?! I WAS!!!!!!!! I mean Constantine has tons of women fans. But then America is very fat now so I guess all the fatties voted for Scott. Jeese. We have Rueben. Isn't that enough? I can't help but think that Constantine will get signed immediately. Scott needs to go. I seriously can't stand him anymore. I also can't stand Carrie. However the final will probably come down to Carrie and Bo. Carrie is just so...so nothing. There is nothing remotely unique about her. She is any blond. She is Generic Plain Wrap Girl.
Voting off Constantine should mean more votes for Bo. Let the Rockers unite. But Simon is right. Bo (and Constantine) went over to the cheesy side. How can other rockers take him seriously now? We shall see. As the Idol turns...
And I in turn responded:
I wanted the girls to push Britney (stripper name, porno face, loud mouthed, rude bitch) off the golf cart as the lions chased them back into the compound (like that totally happened). She's beyond annoying and she reminds me of L**** - I need all the attention, all the time - F****. Keenyah will go next I do believe because although she takes rocking photos she's not following the Top Model binge and purge diet. It's fine to hork down those carbs girl, you just got to throw'em back up so that Tyra and her mama can come and yell at you with love. I think the final three will be Naima - who ultimately won't win because she's been identified as the "boring" one like Nicole, or was that Noelle? from last season. Kahlen - the mousy one who looks like Cheryl Tiegs and has no personality but can take good photos and run like a Springbok in high heels, and Christina who should be taking much better pictures from here on out, now that she's learned the kleenex under the upper lip trick. Note to self, must try that the next time photo op arises.
Next to go will be Britney, followed by Keenya. Or vice versa.
As for Idol, well I stopped watching after they voted off Nadia Turner - assholes. I was surprised to hear that Constantine was voted off, but also wondering if it isn't somehow rigged because you know his band - something something Betty - was signed last week by the same record company that signed William Hung. And I'm wondering if Constantine is going to be conflicted now because his American Idol contract stipulates that he has to tour with these bozos for a year. I think if you you have to do that if you make it into the top 12, or ten, or whatever, which is why that cute gay boy with the fedora whose name I've already forgotten wanted out. Personally I'm rooting for Scott Savol because at this point I think he's the guy that America truly deserves for their idol - a bald, fat, domestic abuser who looks like a scary serial killer and talks to God like he was raised in the ghetto and never learned proper English.
But can we talk host action?
How about Janice sticking her tongue down Tyra's throat to illustrate passion. And THEN she knocked her to the floor and her dress went up over her bony ass necessitating blurriness! Is it because she doesn't wear underpants or was there cellulite that we shouldn't see. And how about Nigel "Maybe I can get in on this action," Barker. God he's hot. Like a grilled cheese sandwich. I love Janice too! I cannot wait to see her on the Surreal Life going toe to toe, or tongue to tongue, with Omarosa!!!
And Paula clutching her pearls and holding back sobs as Constantine is voted off and WHY GOD WHY? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? Because it just does Paula. It just does.
Although I'm fighting it the upcoming Kevin and Britney is drawing me in like a moth to a bug zapper hanging from the trailer in a Louisiana swamp.
I'm going over to the dark side I can totally tell.