I'M A CONSUMER WHORE

So last night I'm watching TV and one of those ads comes on with the pretty women sitting around the restaurant all Sex and the City-like. Their friend comes in and sits down smiling with her teeth bared and what pretty, pearly choppers they are! The ladies who lunch all start hitting her up, "who is he?", "you're glowing" - stuff like that. And she's all "what?" playing coy. Her pals hit her up about how she's got major commitment issues and her last relationship only lasted a week. She comes back with, "this was only a week!" and goes on to wax rhapsodic about Crest's premium whitening system with which she has just whitened her huge teeth.

And they're really white. Probably because the DP put some kind of gel on them to make them pop on camera, but nonetheless, I am overwhelmed by the urge to make my teeth bright, white so that I can walk around smiling with my lips pulled back into a grimace. I have commitment issues - this stuff's for me!

So I run out the door and across the street to Walgreen's and buy the last package of the new premium whitening system. I run home and read the directions. It's not that complicated but there are a lot of disclaimers - like the stuff only whitens natural teeth. Not dental work, not fillings, not veneers or caps. It says some people have to do their lower teeth separate from the upper teeth - it doesn't say why. If the gel gets on your skin, fabric, leather or basically any other material than your tooth material it will turn them white. This is true of your gums as well.

I'm nervous, but very determined so I go to the bathroom and carefully open the package for the lower teeth and very very carefully apply the gel strip. It feels weird and gooey, but I've got a good seal and I'm not choking or anything. So I apply the strip for the upper teeth and gingerly close my mouth and go watch television. Or really, I go watch the clock because although everything feels okay I have visions of my teeth melting.

After a half hour I remove the strips and there is goo residue left behind that is eeeuuuuuwww! I rinse my mouth out and look at my teeth. They pretty much look the same although they feel REALLY clean and smooth. My gums a little tingly and rawish. Hmmmmm.

Did it again this morning and I am committed to 12 more applications of the magical whitening goo.

I am such a consumer whore.