Friday, March 12, 2004

Can a body be allergic to exercise?

I'm wondering because after 10 weeks of lifting weights 3x a week and doing 20-30 minutes of cardio 5x a week, my body seems to be swelling. What is up with that? It's not like I'm lifting big weight. I struggle with the 5 pound barbells, trembling and straining as a I count to ten.

I am not cheating on the eating either. I eat five little meals a day that include some lean protein and green vegetables. I drink 3 liters of water. No sugar. The only fat is the "good" kind - nuts and olive oil. This requires even more discipline than getting to the gym because I was raised to relate to food as a reward, kind of like a puppy. If I did my homework my mom, whose idea of a cookie was a peanut butter and molasses ball, would toss me a peppermint puff candy. If she'd been offering chocolate I would've been motivated to a 4.0, but I digress.
So after working out my inclination is to have a krispy creme donut and the only reason I don't is because of the florescent lights in the dressing room.

Standing nakes under florescent lights after working out for an hour and 20 minutes, and seeing cellulite is just the most depressing thing ever. And they're everywhere. They're even IN the showers. You know, lighting is key. Blanche du Bois knew this. She traveled with a scarf which she draped over the lamp as she depended on the kindness of strangers. Now this won't work at the gym, but you know what would? Red lightbulbs.

I noticed this one drunken evening when I found myself in a strip club. The all naked kind. Which means no alcohol. And on finding myself there my buzz completely disappeared as I watched these nubile women give the pervy guys at the rail a lesson in gynecology so I fled to the bathroom. I was a tad freaked out yes, but mostly I was filled with self loathing because their bodies were flawless and mine was, well, not. The bathroom was lit with - you guessed it - flourescent lights. And I've got news for you when those nubile young ladies came in to pee and add another layer of make up, not only did they have cellulite on their skinny butts, but they also looked like they were pushing forty. When I went back out to make my friends take me home I looked around and took note of the fact that not only was the lighting low, but the lightbulbs were RED!

You know almost all women have cellulite, even the anorexically thin. I have a friend who works in post-production and she says that all those women in the rock videos and movies are so altered by computers the public has no idea what they've really got going on. She claims to have seen a reel of un-retouched outtakes where things ain't so bootylicious. But sadly, those images are not for public consumption.

So I will continue going to gym and eating my five little meals because I'm really doing that to take care of myself - strong bones and a healthy heart. But I'm going to request that they put some red lightbulbs in the dressing room.

And maybe a stripper pole. I've heard that it's good exercise.

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