Saturday, April 25, 2009


Things being what they are with the state of the economy people are turning to all sorts of alternative forms of employment to get the mortgage paid and buy food.

I am buying gold.

It's something I really enjoy although I was initially resistant. I'm not one to sell stuff, or to push anything on anyone. This is not that though. This is buying up what most people consider their junk. People sell me their single earrings, their broken chains, the rings they never wear and the stuff they once sported back when it was cool to dress up like Mr. T with shoulder pads and a huge perm.

There's a process to the buying that involves testing each piece to determine the karat - sadly, most gold that's stamped 14K is not. It's more like 12K or even 10K and if you bought it in Mexico odds are it's 6K. Most of the buying is done at parties and because of the deal we have with the refiner our return is higher so our pay out is also higher.

For this reason people have parties, invite their friends to bring their gold and I sit and test for 3-5 hours and leave with a big bag of gold, having written anywhere from $1,000 to $8,000 in checks and a check for 10% of the total to the host.

Every once in a while there's a party where there's no gold. Tonight was one of those nights. The hostess had made a ton of food, and there was a "Slumber Party" presentation. Last night there was a "Hush Party" along with the gold party and it's safe to say that I have pretty much seen enough dildos to tide me over for a long while. Why anyone would think that a giant red rubber battery operated dildo that goes up and down and swings round and round with three separate rows of controls and flashing red disco lights is erotic is beyond me - I found it terrifying.

Anyway, tonight I skipped the dildo presentation and hung out in back snacking on fruit and checking my watch. Then I overheard a bit of conversation from the kitchen...

"So the stripper's here, but they're just getting to the dildos, can he wait at your house? He's like half naked."
"Yeah, my husband is going around the corner to watch the fight, let me get him out of the house first."

STRIPPER? Seriously?

Oh yeah. We had Flash from Brooklyn in the house. The boy looked good in his g-string and had all kinds of moves. He was picking them up and grinding away - dude was STRONG. These were not little women - not even close. He had these women on their backs on the floor covered in saran wrap and whipped cream. He was down there with his face between their legs and everyone was screaming and hooting and hollering.

He was inspirational.

I was there to work however, so as soon as he got dressed I tried to buy the giant diamond encrusted gold Jesus head that was hanging around his neck.

"Are you interested in selling that?" I asked coyly.

"I'm going to upgrade it next month."

"Well, give me a call and I'll give you a price," as I slide him a card and think that the evening is not a total loss even if I didn't buy much gold. It comes up in conversation that he went to college for five years and I asked where.

Boy went to Rutgers!!!! And played basketball and football!!!! And do you know what he does now when he's not stripping in overheated, estrogen charged living rooms?

He represents "females" (his word, not mine) who are interested in acting in adult films. He's pimping for porn! His mama must be so proud.

And maybe he'd like to have a gold party with some of his clients?

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