A REALLY DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
There are women in the suburbs who are far more desperate than the women on the show. Although after hearing the story I heard yesterday I found myself wondering if it was desperation or mental illness or alcoholism, or possibly a combination of all three. My friend A. lives out in the valley where so many Los Angelenos go to settle when they’ve had children. It’s a world of track homes and soccer fields and club league baseball where nine year olds are “recruited” by balding 38 year old men with beer bellies who look like they’re closer to fifty.

Their wives for the most part sport leathery tans and spend most of their time carting the kids from one activity to another in the Escalade, Denali or Navigator. And when they’re not doing that they’re at the gym so that they can stay a size 2 or 4 or 6, though they definitely don’t seem to be maintaining their figures for the fat, bald husband. From the stories I hear they’re having affairs.

So my friend A. has a daughter who is in middle school. She’s that age where you start to develop BFF friendships. Her current BFF is moving to the O.C. at the end of this week. The mother and father of the BFF are a couple that A. has met a few times due to the fact that their daughters socialize, but you wouldn’t say that a real friendship has developed. So A. was surprised to come home from work the other night and get a call from E., the mother, saying that her daughter was distraught about the move and that she was going to miss A.s daughter so much and could they all go to dinner.

E. was sobbing as she made this request.

Being a very empathic and loving person A. said, of course, and she got her girls in the car and headed out to meet E. and her kids. Except on the way E. called to say that her daughter, the “distraught” one didn’t want to go out. She wanted to stay home. A. said, okay, then we can order pizza and I’ll pick up a bottle of wine

When they got to E.s house the distraught daughter didn’t look upset at all, though she was happy to see the kids and they all went and played in the backyard. E. took A. into the bedroom because all of their furniture has been moved except for the beds....

And if you’re sitting there thinking “Oh my gosh this is going to veer into something very Penthouse Forum, then we have the same dirty mind.”

E. proceeds to tell A. that her husband, who was down in the OC at the new house, beats her in front of the children. All the time! And then she told her how unhappily married she is. Um, that’s kind of a given if you’re being beaten, don’t you think? But then she told her about how when she worked at a local restaurant she was screwing all of the busboys and waiters and she thinks that maybe she might have sex addiction issues.

Something that was borne out when the 25 year old pizza delivery guy showed up and she walked him out to his car, telling him that it was really nice and she wanted to see it. And then she tipped him $20 – so I think she wanted to see more than his car. When she came back in she started crying again and asked if she’d told A. about all the affairs that she’s had and how A. is having such a great divorce and she’d like to have that too.

And then she wanted to change clothes because A. looked so "good" and she wanted to look good too. A. had no idea what to say or do. She just wanted to get the hell out of dodge. This is a woman that she literally has only met a few times. They’re not even friends. She couldn’t say, “What’s up? What have you been smoking? Did someone slip some acid in your Vitamin water?”

After dinner A.s daughter said that E.s daughter wanted to come spend the night and A. couldn’t wait to get out of there. She said she wished she could’ve taken the little brother too, but there was no way to get the kid out of the house without it being somewhat strange. As she encouraged the little girl to get her things together, E. wanted to tell A. just one more thing.

Seems that her husband, the one who beats her in front of their children? He thinks that A. is really hot and E.’s exact words were, “I know it would make him really happy to watch you fuck me.” A. pretty much got the kids and ran from the house. I’m like what did you say? She said she pretended she hadn’t heard and that when she called E. the next day to see how she was doing she acted like everything was normal. Said she’d had a really great day and that maybe she had a little too much drink the night before.

You think?

I think she’s a crazy lady. A. spent all the next day reeling from the conversation and the experience. She’s very relieved that E. is moving away. I think that someone who would tell you that their husband beats them and then two hours later sexually proposition you for a three way with the beater has definitely got issues. If you seriously wanted a three-way, telling someone that the guy you want to do that with beats you is not exactly giving him a great reference. If it’s just that she drank too much she must have started really early in the day. I tend to think that she’s a desperate, manipulative woman and I cannot help but feel very sorry for her kids.

And her husband, unless he really beats her, but I kind of think she made that up, along with everything else, except the affairs and the request for the three way.