Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Waking up before dawn with stomach pain allows just that much more time for my busy brain to think thoughts, some of which are actually really productive and probably need to be thought so that I get shit done. Like I need to pay my car insurance which means I need to find where I put the bill. It's a drag that my brain gets so busy when my eyes open because right now I'm really wishing I'd had about 3 more than the 4 hours of sleep that I got last night. I'm functioning on "low" right now, as evidenced by this totally lame post, but I'm hoping that if I drain my brain here, and have chicken broth and yogurt for dinner tonight, instead of zatzicki and carnitas like last night, maybe I'll sleep better and feel better.

And not think the thoughts I think....

Like I'm really ready to finish a plethora of unfinished projects around the house. First, and foremost would be the mosaic table which has been sitting there for two years this coming May. This means that I need to take all of the junk off of it and grout the sides. The top also needs more grouting, but once I get the sides done I can always do that second layer outside.

And once the table goes outside it's time to do something about the antique daybed that has been leaning up against the wall in the living room. It's been there for two years as well because I don't want to get rid of it, but I have no where to put it. I suppose I can sell or donate it, which is probably what I'll end up doing because at this point it's presence is annoying me and I really want to bring the Pilates machine down from Cheryl's where it's languishing under piles of stuff, so I can work out at home.

I'd like to accomplish that before the end of the first week of April because that's when my gym membership expires and if I can do Pilates and the Stairmaster at home in my pajamas as opposed to dragging my stuff to work and forgetting either my shoes or underwear or both, well, that's just going to make life that much easier. Plus I can play my own music. And work out in my pajamas. I already said that, but it's a big motivater right now.

The re-writing is sucking and it's really hard to work on making it better when I'm so tired I can hardly make coherent sentences, so it's feeling like a waste of time to even try. But that's so defeatist and negative so how do I get my head around being all positive and creative? Especially when I can't breathe through my nose that good?

Why does A. continue to sporadically call or e-mail, when he's bored in the car or has nothing better to do, when it could not be more clear that "he's just not that into me?" I am starting to feel like some poor beat up butterfly that a cat has been fucking with, so my bee like qualities are starting to come out. Like I could get really mean because I'm tired and I don't feel well, and his complete lack of communication and total disrespect for me makes me feel crazy. How could I ever have thought that this guy liked me? This feels horrible and just makes me sad.

I need to find R. the perfect thing for his 50th birthday which is harder than I thought it would be. He loves to weld, and he had a thingy that he did that with that got stolen, but I can't remember what that thingy was called, or even what it did. He loves wine so I'm leaning toward a wine themed gift and I can get a number of things which is good because if the homemade part (which is still in the planning stages in my brain) becomes yet another UFP I will still have something to wrap and give him.

Got to finish Colleen's scarf and mail it to her!!! It's all done except for the fringe on one side and I am such a loser for not just getting it out and doing it.

Must get Amy and Neal's address to send Roan's gift, now that she's actually here. I like to make sure that babies are safely arrived before I get the real gift. The problem is that once someone has a baby they are sleep deprived and they pretty much fall off the face of the earth so a lot of the "baby" gifts I get are too small by the time I actually get around to meeting the baby. That's why I will drive by the house and shove this through their mail slot.

Want to write a letter to Bob to honor his 75th birthday. It's hard to believe that he's 75 and that he's been in my life for almost 30 years. I can't think too much about the Parkinson's diagnosis because I get scared for him, and for my mom, and for me - he's the dad I got to choose. I love the dad whose DNA I share and who raised me with such great tenderness when I was a little girl, but Bob is like bonus dad. He's the one who is more traditional and who sets the bar for how I would like to be treated in a relationship. He is so good to my mom and they have so much fun. Thinking about what lies ahead with this fucking horrible disease freaks me out in a huge way.

Must get with Directv to find out why my Tivo can't make phone calls, or something like that. I hate machines that give you messages that don't make sense. Who said it was okay for Tivo to be using the phone? Also, they need to tell me what to do so that I can watch one channel and record off another channel. Right now, it's not that big a deal because I'm not even watching TV that much, but it's the principal. I'm paying to be able to do that so I should be able to do that. Right? Uh-huh.

So excited to go to Allison's wedding - must find lots of summery fun things to wear that will fit into the carryon bag because I so don't want to check luggage - get to wear flip flops - yay for comfy shoes!!

Must lose 10 pounds so that I can breathe while wearing the groovy new red bustier which for some reason fits much tighter than the ivory one does even though they're the exact same size and that's what you get when you shop in the garment disctrict and get amazing deals. Will the ivory one not fit anymore though? This is a quandry.

Make appointment to go see George and get Rx refill for Ambien.

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