Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Laughing at the past

I was looking for an e-mail that a friend sent me a while back which necessitated going through literally thousands of e-mails - because I save them all don't you know.

The e-mail exchange between my BFF Allison and myself over the years is hilarious but also carries the small details of our lives as we go through marriage, divorce, relationship, fretting and celebrating, whinging and cogitating.

We have also engaged in behaviors that are probably illegal and encouraged each other in acts of insanity.  We truly do have one of those friendships wherein we would provide assistance in body disposal if need be...

So I'm feeling all kind of blessed after that review.

Plus I found the e-mail I was looking for that was written to me by yet another BFF who saw this article about the worst online dating profile ever which still got responses.  This reminded my dear friend of the days just after her divorce when she was considering a foray into online dating and wrote these hilarious fake profiles after looking at what was out there...

Okay I've written some sample profiles for myself and I need your opinion.
Shy gal who likes dominoes, philately, and role-play games looking for handsome blue collar worker.  I have quite a bit of house cleaning that I'll need done and I hope you are put off by the outfits I'll require you to wear as you clean.  I don't like dirt.  If you don't clean well you will have to do it again and you'll be spanked the entire time.  In addition to my OCD, I have several phobias that some find disturbing.  Lastly, I'm totally shaved.
Hey Mother Fucker!  Are you unemployed, in debt, excessively hairy, covered in flop sweat, prone to sudden violent outburst, partially or completely toothless, unwashed, unimpressive, in favor of polygamy, talented in nothing, interested in even less, and in possession of a wide array of poorly concieved sex toys?
Well I like blindfolds, orange juice and have a nasty disposition!  I'm missing most of my left leg, have incurable gas and frequent seizures.  Come fill my world with your love!  Make me all tingly as we commit minor crimes.
(No Mexicans Please)
Hi!  I'm Cookie and I have 11 cats!  I only sleep with one cat though!  He's my poopy shmoopy cuddly pork chop pie!  Yes he is!  Yes he is!  I collect stickers and I like Snoopy!  I have 57 Hello Kitty items!  I just got the Hello Kitty Toaster!  I've never been on a real date cause mom says 12 is too young!  Do you mind braces?!  (On my teeth and my back!)  I have scoliosis!
Oh God.  I'd give anything to find someone.  Anyone.  I don't care what you look like.  I'm not much to look at myself.  I've been working at Starbucks for some time and have become rather depressed.  The pills help.  Look even if you just came over to help me move some boxes because I think my ferret is trapped.  Plus my back really itches.  You know how that is.  I wear a lot of black clothing because I'm a huge Nihilist.  God is Dead.  Isn't that cool?  I have piercings and tats.  One of my piercings might be infected though.  I need a guy who is into body art, Red Bull and Social Distortion.  I also like to watch Desperate Housewives.  TV rocks. 
I adore my friends.  They are a special kind of nuts, completely inappropriate and non PC, and they make me laugh.  

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