The small business that I have been working for the last 6 years is closing and I will be moving on.
This is simultaneously producing feelings of anxiety and anticipatory excitement.
I'm terrified to be out there looking for work in an economy that is less than robust and where I am competing with people who are much younger. There is an age bias in our culture and although I don't look old, I am older and I know it matters.
There's also excitement because I would love be in a position where I'm not stressing about cash flow and wondering how we're going to make payroll, or where the money is going to come from to pay the huge insurance bills. The cost of doing business began to consume every bit of profit.
At some point you have to draw the line in the sand and say - "enough" - because it gets to a place where you're not only not making money, you're paying to not make a profit.
So as I'm closing the business which is exhausting and trying and sad, I'm also beginning the search for new work. I love beginnings of anything because you can bring all of your ideals and perfect visions and focus on the qualities that you really want to experience.
My issue is that at the same time I'm consumed with the fear that I will end up with a shopping cart like so many people I see every day down in Santa Monica. People my age or a bit older who are not raving mad and talking to themselves, but who are clean and healthy and who probably were living indoors a year or two ago.
Friends have been out of work for more than 2 years. When I listen to the news and they report jobs numbers it doesn't sound very encouraging. When I look at what's available in the want ads it feels like I would be stepping right back into the kind of mind numbing work that contributed to the depression I have just slipped off.
Moving on is something I'm looking forward to - I enjoy change and I'm making a list of all of the things I'd love to get paid to do at work, like read, write, work with others on a project that we all contribute to and make fantastic and while we're at it the project will bring great value to the world.... or at least make people laugh.
Already I've learned to ask for help and to say out loud all those things that scare me about an unknown future. I'm learning to embrace change, although sometimes it feels more like getting mugged by change. It's all happening and it's going to happen whether I want it or not.
Might as well focus on creating everything I want instead of fighting to keep everything that I've been complaining about for the last two years.
Moving on can be bitter sweet, but mostly it's a good thing.