I'M BAAAAAAACK

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing. It feels horrible. But at the same time you've got to go out and do stuff to write about you know? I was thinking about that in the shower just now. That's the kind of day I've had. I just now took my morning shower. And I'm just now writing here, something that I set an intention to do this morning. Hey, at least I'm not going to bed without doing it. Anyway, in the shower I was thinking about writing because if I'm not writing I'm thinking about how I should be writing. I was thinking about how writing is this solitary thing that you do alone in a room...well, I do it alone in a room, and how if you spend too much time alone in that room you have nothing to write about except stuff you've already done. Lots of the time I can't remember if I've already written here about stuff I've done. I have a fear of becoming one of those people who tell the same stories over and over again because they don't have any new stories.

So I've been collecting some new stories.

But I'm tired and ready to go to sleep so I'm going to share something I got from a friend the other night.

Okay I've written some sample profiles for myself and I need your opinion.

#1
Shy gal who likes dominoes, philately, and role-play games looking for handsome blue collar worker. I have quite a bit of house cleaning that I'll need done and I hope you are not put off by the outfits I'll require you to wear as you clean. I don't like dirt. If you don't clean well you will have to do it again and you'll be spanked the entire time. In addition to my OCD, I have several phobias that some find disturbing. Lastly, I'm totally shaved.

#2
Hey Mother Fucker! Are you unemployed, in debt, excessively hairy, covered in flop sweat, prone to sudden violent outburst, partially or completely toothless, unwashed, unimpressive, in favor of polygamy, talented in nothing, interested in even less, and in possession of a wide array of poorly concieved sex toys?
Well I like blindfolds, orange juice and have a nasty disposition! I'm missing most of my left leg, have incurable gas and frequent seizures. Come fill my world with your love! Make me all tingly as we commit minor crimes.
(No Mexicans Please)

#3
Hi! I'm Cookie and I have 11 cats! I only sleep with one cat though! He's my poopy shmoopy cuddly pork chop pie! Yes he is! Yes he is! I collect stickers and I like Snoopy! I have 57 Hello Kitty items! I just got the Hello Kitty Toaster! I've never been on a real date cause mom says 12 is too young! Do you mind braces?! (On my teeth and my back!) I have scoliosis!

#4
Oh God. I'd give anything to find someone. Anyone. I don't care what you look like. I'm not much to look at myself. I've been working at Starbucks for some time and have become rather depressed. The pills help. Look even if you just came over to help me move some boxes because I think my ferret is trapped. Plus my back really itches. You know how that is. I wear a lot of black clothing because I'm a huge Nihilist. God is Dead. Isn't that cool? I have piercings and tats. One of my piercings might be infected though. I need a guy who is into body art, Red Bull and Social Distortion. I also like to watch Desperate Housewives. TV rocks.

I think a girl would do really well with #1. The last sentence alone should get her lots of attention.

What the hell is philately?