So tonight did not go as planned.
I was going to hang with some friends and eat some good food and probably laugh a lot.
When I got in my car to leave it would not start. This is a new thing since I got in a car accident at the beginning of December and smashed the car up. It took three weeks to fix it and when I got it back it looked like new, but now it sometimes doesn't start.
Clearly something got messed up in the smashing.
So I stayed home and contemplated the coming new year and what I would like to create for myself.
I say create because my norm is to react to whatever is happening to me.
That really hasn't worked that great to date.
But I'm lazy and creating seems like a lot of effort and opens the possibility of making a mess.
However after reading this blog post about the new moon that happens tonight on the eve of a new year I decided to identify and understand where I am in my life right now...
Looking for new employment
In debt
Chubby
In physical therapy
Tired
Stressed
Insomniac
Unmotivated
and since I'm not unhappy and not happy I am most likely depressed.
I was brutally honest and probably a tad dramatic with all the understanding of where I am in my life right now but I'm going to say it was a good exercise because it helped me be very clear about the intentions I am setting for the coming year.
Rather than go into all the things and experiences I don't want I got really focused on the experiences I do want.
I wrote everything down and burned each and every negative idea and thought conscious and unconscious that I am releasing. I burned them in my living room with some Dragon's Blood resin that I dug out of a drawer - a souvenir from some Rennaisance Faire I went to 10 years ago - I knew it would come in handy. All that negativity created quite a blaze and the adolescent firebug that still lives inside me had a really good time. The adult part of me was borderline freaked out that I almost set my carpet on fire.
As the embers glowed I wrote down all of my intentions for the new year. The things/experiences I am going to create, because the laziness of default has not gotten me where I want to be. Then I took all those intentions and made little balls out of the paper and planted them in my garden out back.
Like seeds.
Of course I had to weed the area first because I haven't been back there since August and since it's a new moon it was really dark so that was kind of scary too.
And now it's 10pm and I'm worn out from all the assessing and burning and weeding and burying so I'm going to go to bed.
Honestly I have to say it's been a good new year's eve and I am looking forward to a new year, well aware that I have agreed to get really participatory and creative this year but I'm up for it.
