SHALOM! YOU'VE BEEN SERVED
I've been working full time for A which is a blessing because the unemployment ran out. It's also hard because I find myself doing things that I would never do. Never. Like last night when I served a rabbi a subpoena. At a board meeting at the temple.
Being a nice Jewish boy A. did work at this temple back in August. The lights were out of code in the sanctuary and to prevent fire they needed to replace them. They actually needed a lot more than that and A. gave them a very good price to do the work. He went and met with the Rabbi and the Vice President of the board of trustees in July and they walked through with Javier the handyman and discussed all that needed to be done. Then a proposal was written and signed by a representative of the temple and the work was performed.
The bill was sent and they didn't pay. We, okay I, harangued and harassed and finally they coughed up about $7,000, which is $2,100 short of what they owe. This is not the first time this has happened. There was a persian guy who didn't pay $4,000 of his bill because he didn't feel like it. I could so totally veer into ugly stereotypes right about now about money and doing business, but I won't. Some of you are already thinking it anyway.
After talking to the money guy at the temple who said that they didn't feel like paying because no one authorized the work, which is a total lie, A. decided to go to small claims to get them to pay. So guess who is doing all the filing and the paperwork, etc. etc. Uh-huh. Me. The small claims thing? It's a big hassle, but I don't mind so much because I think they should be made to pay. I didn't realize however, that A. planned on subpoening the rabbi's ass into court. And the VP of the board of trustees. So not only am I having to do all the paperwork, but he tells me that I'm going to serve the papers on these guys at the monthly board meeting.
This was not on my list of things that I want to do. A blow job? Sure. Serving subpoenas? Ahhhh man, do I have to? It's only because I like A. so much that I found myself standing in the doorway of a huge room last night, moistly clutching two envelopes. The meeting was in full swing and there were about 25 people sitting around tables that had been placed in a circle. Lucky for me they all had name plates sitting in front of them, except for the rabbi, and him I recognized from his picture on the website.
A chunky woman with long brown hair atop which perched a crocheted yamulke was earnestly talking about "what the Torah teaches," and while my presence definitely created a distraction she soldiered on as I stood there waiting for her to take a breath. I spotted the rabbi and stared at him with one raised eyebrow, thinking to myself, "does the Torah teach that you don't have to pay your bills if you don't feel like it? Hmmmm?" He got up and moved quickly toward me. "Can I help you?" he asked. "Are you Rabbi K?" He didn't answer, but I knew it was him. "Are you Rabbi K," I persisted. He nodded. I handed him the envelope and said, "this is for you." I moved into the room and made my way around the table toward the board member with the correct name plate in front of him. All eyes were riveted on me, not the woman who was still earnestly talking about the Torah, and I apologized as I passed her, "I'm so sorry this will only take a moment." I stood in front of the man and asked if he was C.D. he nodded and I handed him the envelope, "This is for you." I had to resist the urge to say, "Gentlemen you've been served," but at this point I was feeling so bad for the lady in the yamulke I just wanted to get out of there.
As I moved quickly toward the door one of the board members asked, "What is it?" and another said, "did you get served?" I passed the rabbi walking back into the room having looked at his subpoena and he nodded and smiled. I sped past and I heard someone say, well you picked a good place to do it.
Maybe so, but it still sucked.
And I hope I don't have to see them ever again.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
BY THE BED
I'm reading several books right now. They're stacked by my bed and under the pillows. I like to read more than one book so that I can switch when I get bored, or if the particular story or subject doesn't strike my fancy. I usually am able to finish a book in a week or so, even when I'm reading like five of them. Since this summer though I haven't been able to complete anything. At least that's what it feels like. This is a bad sign because the same thing applies to my writing. I've got lots of things started and I write on them all, but I'm not finishing. I'm wondering if I start finishing the books will I start finishing the stories/scripts, etc?
Here is, in no particular order, the book that I'm reading:
Bird by Bird by Anne LaMott. This is a book about writing. I love Anne LaMotte, but I can't remember if there's an "e" on the end of her name or not. Anyway, I first discovered her on Salon.com and then my friend Peggy gave me her book about faith called "Traveling Mercies." Excellent book. I love her voice. I want to go find her and hang out with her and be her best friend. She's one of those people who has a wonderful way of seeing the world that's all her own and I would imagine that she is considered eccentric by many. This book is about writing and how hard it is to finish stuff and what helps to do that. I don't think I've read enough of it for the advice to sink in yet. I do stare at the blank screen a lot.
Vamped - I can't remember who wrote this, but darling Alli sent this to me and I am totally enjoying it. I can't wait to pass it on to Lady Euthanasia, my friend who writes erotic horror. This book will appeal to her sense of humor and dark sensibilities. An interesting story about a vampire in a world where everybody's been vamped. He finds a kid who's still human and decides he wants to be a daddy. This is more challenging than just taking on a six year old. It's a six year old who is considered fresh meat in the literal sense. Can you imagine having a six year old being an obnoxious six year old and every instinct you have wants to eat them? You know there are days where you'd have to put yourself on time out so you don't kill them. I know parents who aren't vampires who feel like that sometimes.
My Grandfather's Blessing - this book is written by a cancer doctor whose grandpa was a rabbi who studied the kabbalah. It's all about the blessing that are around us everyday. This book makes me cry everytime I read it. But in a good way.
On Writing by Stephen King - the master of horror writes about the horror of writer's block, bad grammer and cliches. He too has a distinctive voice that makes you feel like you're having a conversation with him. He has an awareness of his talent as a writer and the fact that in this world a naturally great writer is a rare thing to find. The rest of us work hard to be good.
A Million Little Pieces - Okay, I started reading this book before the great revelation about James Frey's embellishing. I was annoyed by his constant reference to himself as a "drug addict and criminal" before it was revealed that he wasn't that big a criminal. Of course, having dated my share of drug addicts I understand the level of narcissism and delusional thinking that goes along with that type of personality. I don't think that he embellished that bit about the root canal with no novocaine. I can't stand the way he writes. I hate the Constant, Seemingly Random Capitalizing of certain letters. What is up with that?
I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe - I'm a big TW fan and I liked this book because I could see it as a film. As usual he creates characters that are flawed and memorable and easy to love and hate at the same time.
And that's all I can remember right now. I know there's more, but I'm fried. And that's why I probably won't read tonight.
I'm reading several books right now. They're stacked by my bed and under the pillows. I like to read more than one book so that I can switch when I get bored, or if the particular story or subject doesn't strike my fancy. I usually am able to finish a book in a week or so, even when I'm reading like five of them. Since this summer though I haven't been able to complete anything. At least that's what it feels like. This is a bad sign because the same thing applies to my writing. I've got lots of things started and I write on them all, but I'm not finishing. I'm wondering if I start finishing the books will I start finishing the stories/scripts, etc?
Here is, in no particular order, the book that I'm reading:
Bird by Bird by Anne LaMott. This is a book about writing. I love Anne LaMotte, but I can't remember if there's an "e" on the end of her name or not. Anyway, I first discovered her on Salon.com and then my friend Peggy gave me her book about faith called "Traveling Mercies." Excellent book. I love her voice. I want to go find her and hang out with her and be her best friend. She's one of those people who has a wonderful way of seeing the world that's all her own and I would imagine that she is considered eccentric by many. This book is about writing and how hard it is to finish stuff and what helps to do that. I don't think I've read enough of it for the advice to sink in yet. I do stare at the blank screen a lot.
Vamped - I can't remember who wrote this, but darling Alli sent this to me and I am totally enjoying it. I can't wait to pass it on to Lady Euthanasia, my friend who writes erotic horror. This book will appeal to her sense of humor and dark sensibilities. An interesting story about a vampire in a world where everybody's been vamped. He finds a kid who's still human and decides he wants to be a daddy. This is more challenging than just taking on a six year old. It's a six year old who is considered fresh meat in the literal sense. Can you imagine having a six year old being an obnoxious six year old and every instinct you have wants to eat them? You know there are days where you'd have to put yourself on time out so you don't kill them. I know parents who aren't vampires who feel like that sometimes.
My Grandfather's Blessing - this book is written by a cancer doctor whose grandpa was a rabbi who studied the kabbalah. It's all about the blessing that are around us everyday. This book makes me cry everytime I read it. But in a good way.
On Writing by Stephen King - the master of horror writes about the horror of writer's block, bad grammer and cliches. He too has a distinctive voice that makes you feel like you're having a conversation with him. He has an awareness of his talent as a writer and the fact that in this world a naturally great writer is a rare thing to find. The rest of us work hard to be good.
A Million Little Pieces - Okay, I started reading this book before the great revelation about James Frey's embellishing. I was annoyed by his constant reference to himself as a "drug addict and criminal" before it was revealed that he wasn't that big a criminal. Of course, having dated my share of drug addicts I understand the level of narcissism and delusional thinking that goes along with that type of personality. I don't think that he embellished that bit about the root canal with no novocaine. I can't stand the way he writes. I hate the Constant, Seemingly Random Capitalizing of certain letters. What is up with that?
I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe - I'm a big TW fan and I liked this book because I could see it as a film. As usual he creates characters that are flawed and memorable and easy to love and hate at the same time.
And that's all I can remember right now. I know there's more, but I'm fried. And that's why I probably won't read tonight.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
MERCY KILLING
I meant to write about this last week, or whenever it was that the state of California killed that old man in the wheelchair. You know, the guy who was like 70 something and blind and immobile? He was, apparently, a very bad man who was sent to prison for murdering some folks and then, once he got there, he ordered a couple more hits and some more people died. That's the gist of it anyway. I didn't really pay that much attention because I was so fascinated by the mummified image of him that was broadcast on the news and published in the paper during the appeal process.
All I could think about was how he looked like he was already dead. I also pondered how bad it would suck to be him. Not because of the whole looming execution issue, but more about the being in prison AND old AND blind AND wheelchair bound. I mean seriously! No matter how badass you are it seems like it would be hard to survive in that environment in that condition. Or even one of those conditions. Old. Blind. Stuck in a chair. Hard to defend yourself against prison rape.
I'm completely and totally against the death penalty. The idea of it makes me physically ill. I have no problem with the idea of hunting someone down and shooting them vigilante style, but strapping them to a table and killing them? It reminds me of the hunting clubs that Dick Cheney and his pals go to. The ones where they release a bunch of birds into a cage and then the VP and his buddies shoot them with automatic rifles. It's so calculated and cold. I don't really get it as a punishment or a version of gun sport.
I do however support euthanasia, or mercy killing, just not in this case. No. To me it seems like in this case the proper punishment would've been to let that bad man sit there getting older in his wheelchair, unable to see anything, helpless to the whims of his fellow prisoners. It seems like universal justice was being meted out as I would imagine incontinence was right around the corner.
I'm not sure what exactly the point of the death penalty is when it's a reprieve from a life worse than death.
I meant to write about this last week, or whenever it was that the state of California killed that old man in the wheelchair. You know, the guy who was like 70 something and blind and immobile? He was, apparently, a very bad man who was sent to prison for murdering some folks and then, once he got there, he ordered a couple more hits and some more people died. That's the gist of it anyway. I didn't really pay that much attention because I was so fascinated by the mummified image of him that was broadcast on the news and published in the paper during the appeal process.
All I could think about was how he looked like he was already dead. I also pondered how bad it would suck to be him. Not because of the whole looming execution issue, but more about the being in prison AND old AND blind AND wheelchair bound. I mean seriously! No matter how badass you are it seems like it would be hard to survive in that environment in that condition. Or even one of those conditions. Old. Blind. Stuck in a chair. Hard to defend yourself against prison rape.
I'm completely and totally against the death penalty. The idea of it makes me physically ill. I have no problem with the idea of hunting someone down and shooting them vigilante style, but strapping them to a table and killing them? It reminds me of the hunting clubs that Dick Cheney and his pals go to. The ones where they release a bunch of birds into a cage and then the VP and his buddies shoot them with automatic rifles. It's so calculated and cold. I don't really get it as a punishment or a version of gun sport.
I do however support euthanasia, or mercy killing, just not in this case. No. To me it seems like in this case the proper punishment would've been to let that bad man sit there getting older in his wheelchair, unable to see anything, helpless to the whims of his fellow prisoners. It seems like universal justice was being meted out as I would imagine incontinence was right around the corner.
I'm not sure what exactly the point of the death penalty is when it's a reprieve from a life worse than death.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
IT'S A TEST
This week when we remembered Martin I couldn't help but think about those people in my life who are oppotunities to practice compassion and tolerance. I usually think of them as idiots and assholes who make me crazy, but when I see the example set by MLK I consciously work to see them all as opportunities to practice shifting my perspective from one that is negative and shrill to one that is peaceful and loving.
This particular week there was an abundance of opportunities amplified by the raging hormones that accompanied the insanity that is PMS. It's like the universe is giving me a great big test to see if I can be like Jesus or will I be pushed to the dark side where my head spins like Linda Blair in the exorcist as I spew obscenities.
There's the guy that A. is doing work for who flat out said to him that he doesn't want him to make a profit and continues to call and make demands. He is someone involved in the huge multimillion dollar project that A. is working on, so he doesn't want to burn a bridge and he's being all diplomatic. I have to breathe deeply when he calls so as not to blow a vein.
There's the guy in the massively huge truck that he crammed into a "compact" parking place in Trader Joe's parking lot last night, who blasted his horn at me when I finally backed out of my parking space after waiting five minutes for him to finish. Like it's my fault that he couldn't dock his space shuttle all the way in the spot. Whatever.
And there's the homeless guy who stands on the island at Fairfax and Venice holding a sign that says that he's HOMELESS, HAS A WIFE AND A SON, NEEDS HELP. He stands right next to the left hand turn lane and stares at people accusingly as he moves his hand over the sign, pointing out each line, like we can't read. For some reason I always feel guilty if I don't give him anything. I'm being guilted by a homeless guy who is probably running a scam and makes more money than I do with his pointing routine. I've finally gotten to the point where I won't even make eye contact with him any more and that makes me feel horrible. I've gotten to where I won't make the left turn there anymore if I see him. I can't stand that a homeless guy has this kind of control over me. And if anyone is an opportunity to practice compassion it should be a homeless guy. Right? When I see him I always think about how many people in this country are on the precipice of homelessness.
And that leads me to the biggest opportunity to practice compassion that there is... This president and the members of his administration.
And that's a level of practice I'll have to leave until next week when the hormone level has leveled out again. Because it's a test. A big test and this week I just can't take it. It's all I can do not run over the homeless guy on the divider.
This week when we remembered Martin I couldn't help but think about those people in my life who are oppotunities to practice compassion and tolerance. I usually think of them as idiots and assholes who make me crazy, but when I see the example set by MLK I consciously work to see them all as opportunities to practice shifting my perspective from one that is negative and shrill to one that is peaceful and loving.
This particular week there was an abundance of opportunities amplified by the raging hormones that accompanied the insanity that is PMS. It's like the universe is giving me a great big test to see if I can be like Jesus or will I be pushed to the dark side where my head spins like Linda Blair in the exorcist as I spew obscenities.
There's the guy that A. is doing work for who flat out said to him that he doesn't want him to make a profit and continues to call and make demands. He is someone involved in the huge multimillion dollar project that A. is working on, so he doesn't want to burn a bridge and he's being all diplomatic. I have to breathe deeply when he calls so as not to blow a vein.
There's the guy in the massively huge truck that he crammed into a "compact" parking place in Trader Joe's parking lot last night, who blasted his horn at me when I finally backed out of my parking space after waiting five minutes for him to finish. Like it's my fault that he couldn't dock his space shuttle all the way in the spot. Whatever.
And there's the homeless guy who stands on the island at Fairfax and Venice holding a sign that says that he's HOMELESS, HAS A WIFE AND A SON, NEEDS HELP. He stands right next to the left hand turn lane and stares at people accusingly as he moves his hand over the sign, pointing out each line, like we can't read. For some reason I always feel guilty if I don't give him anything. I'm being guilted by a homeless guy who is probably running a scam and makes more money than I do with his pointing routine. I've finally gotten to the point where I won't even make eye contact with him any more and that makes me feel horrible. I've gotten to where I won't make the left turn there anymore if I see him. I can't stand that a homeless guy has this kind of control over me. And if anyone is an opportunity to practice compassion it should be a homeless guy. Right? When I see him I always think about how many people in this country are on the precipice of homelessness.
And that leads me to the biggest opportunity to practice compassion that there is... This president and the members of his administration.
And that's a level of practice I'll have to leave until next week when the hormone level has leveled out again. Because it's a test. A big test and this week I just can't take it. It's all I can do not run over the homeless guy on the divider.
Monday, January 09, 2006
BLAHBEHDYBLAHBLAH
Okay so this is me writing when I have nothing to write about which isn't exactly true because I had an inspired thought earlier today when I woke up at 5:39am. I should've gotten up and written it then, but it was cold and dark and I was kind of hoping I'd go back to sleep.
But I didn't.
I did work out and I have eaten very South Beachish today so I'm getting to experience with all kinds of intensity what a big fat emotional eater I am as all I want to do is go get an In'N'Out burger right now. I'm pretty angsty with the whole lack of employment thing.
My friend Leisa sent me some interesting things from Craigslist that I wil follow up on because what the hell, you know? My friend Sheila suggested temp work, and that is always an option, but that's kind of what I'm doing for A. right now with a lot more flexibility. His office manager is to the point of pregnancy where her bulk blocks the sun when she enters the doorway. All I can think when I look at her is that it's going to hurt like hell when it comes time to birth that baby.
I'm getting the hang of doing the work here which just goes to show that my learning curve is about 2 weeks. That's how long I worked for him while she went home to Cuba to visit her family. Of course that doesn't mean that I'm loving it, but it is a lot more fun when you can make out with your boss and go take naps in his bed at lunchtime.
Okay so this is me writing when I have nothing to write about which isn't exactly true because I had an inspired thought earlier today when I woke up at 5:39am. I should've gotten up and written it then, but it was cold and dark and I was kind of hoping I'd go back to sleep.
But I didn't.
I did work out and I have eaten very South Beachish today so I'm getting to experience with all kinds of intensity what a big fat emotional eater I am as all I want to do is go get an In'N'Out burger right now. I'm pretty angsty with the whole lack of employment thing.
My friend Leisa sent me some interesting things from Craigslist that I wil follow up on because what the hell, you know? My friend Sheila suggested temp work, and that is always an option, but that's kind of what I'm doing for A. right now with a lot more flexibility. His office manager is to the point of pregnancy where her bulk blocks the sun when she enters the doorway. All I can think when I look at her is that it's going to hurt like hell when it comes time to birth that baby.
I'm getting the hang of doing the work here which just goes to show that my learning curve is about 2 weeks. That's how long I worked for him while she went home to Cuba to visit her family. Of course that doesn't mean that I'm loving it, but it is a lot more fun when you can make out with your boss and go take naps in his bed at lunchtime.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
THE GAME
Went to R's house to watch the game and oh what a game it was. Probably one of the best college games I've ever seen. I don't really watch a lot of college games so it's not hard to be one of the best. The two I actually attended were memorable because one of them, USC v. Stanford was so boring, e.g. USC was getting beat through almost the whole game, my friend Kami and I decided to go take a walk in the park around the stadium. We left 20 minutes early and in that time USC scored three touchdowns, the final touchdown was in the last 3 seconds. It was probably one of the most exciting games that anyone who was there had seen. Kami and I were out on the sidewalk listening to everyone scream.
Oh well.
The other memorable game was USC v. Notre Dame. I attended with a bunch of Notre Dame fans. We went on a bus. It rained. It rained really hard, like the rain on the Rose Parade this year. It was also incredibly cold. Since I was the lone USC fan that arrived on the Notre Dame bus, and USC was losing, I was the only one who wanted to go home. I really saw no point in staying to watch the last quarter when it was a slaughter and I was soaked the bone. I couldn't very well whine though since I didn't know these people that well and I was still representing for USC and even if we were losing I couldn't be a whiner. So I snuck out claiming that I was going to the bathroom. I figured I'd go back to the bus where surely the driver was waiting with the heat on.
When I got out to the parking lot I found a sea of buses. Like hundreds of them. The bus I'd arrived on was just one of many and I wasn't sure how I was going to find it. It was still raining really hard and since no one was around to see I indulged in a little cry because I was so cold and miserable. I splashed around in the parking lot, stepping in ankle deep puddles and somehow I found our bus. The driver wasn't there but the door was open so I climbed on and huddled in a seat until the stupid game was over and everyone made it back. Finally. I don't think I've ever been more physically uncomfortable than those hours in the fetal position wearing soaking wet jeans and a stinky wool sweater on that bus.
I know I'm lucky if this is the most discomfort I ever suffer, but it put me off actually attending USC games for life. Even though last night's game was a great game I'm glad I wasn't in that crowd of 100,000 people trying to drive home.
Went to R's house to watch the game and oh what a game it was. Probably one of the best college games I've ever seen. I don't really watch a lot of college games so it's not hard to be one of the best. The two I actually attended were memorable because one of them, USC v. Stanford was so boring, e.g. USC was getting beat through almost the whole game, my friend Kami and I decided to go take a walk in the park around the stadium. We left 20 minutes early and in that time USC scored three touchdowns, the final touchdown was in the last 3 seconds. It was probably one of the most exciting games that anyone who was there had seen. Kami and I were out on the sidewalk listening to everyone scream.
Oh well.
The other memorable game was USC v. Notre Dame. I attended with a bunch of Notre Dame fans. We went on a bus. It rained. It rained really hard, like the rain on the Rose Parade this year. It was also incredibly cold. Since I was the lone USC fan that arrived on the Notre Dame bus, and USC was losing, I was the only one who wanted to go home. I really saw no point in staying to watch the last quarter when it was a slaughter and I was soaked the bone. I couldn't very well whine though since I didn't know these people that well and I was still representing for USC and even if we were losing I couldn't be a whiner. So I snuck out claiming that I was going to the bathroom. I figured I'd go back to the bus where surely the driver was waiting with the heat on.
When I got out to the parking lot I found a sea of buses. Like hundreds of them. The bus I'd arrived on was just one of many and I wasn't sure how I was going to find it. It was still raining really hard and since no one was around to see I indulged in a little cry because I was so cold and miserable. I splashed around in the parking lot, stepping in ankle deep puddles and somehow I found our bus. The driver wasn't there but the door was open so I climbed on and huddled in a seat until the stupid game was over and everyone made it back. Finally. I don't think I've ever been more physically uncomfortable than those hours in the fetal position wearing soaking wet jeans and a stinky wool sweater on that bus.
I know I'm lucky if this is the most discomfort I ever suffer, but it put me off actually attending USC games for life. Even though last night's game was a great game I'm glad I wasn't in that crowd of 100,000 people trying to drive home.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
BEST LAID PLANS
Today is the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. USC is playing UT. It's a big freakin' deal. All my friends who went to USC are coming to town and because I never leave A's side I've only seen one of them so I thought I'd hit the parking lot for some tailgating. This sounded especially good because they're having an IN'N'OUT truck and a DJ. Woohoo! Party in the parking lot. Only problem is 100,000 other people had the same idea and I didn't even contemplate starting the journey until it was 1pm. After doing a little research and listening to the radio I realized that there would be no place for me to park. I could've taken the train from downtown and then walked a couple blocks and jumped on a shuttle but the logistical reality is that it would've taken about an hour and a half and since I was starting so late I would have gotten there and had to turn around so that I could make it back to R's house (where I'm meeting A) to watch the game on TV.
Needless to say I blew it off.
Today is the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. USC is playing UT. It's a big freakin' deal. All my friends who went to USC are coming to town and because I never leave A's side I've only seen one of them so I thought I'd hit the parking lot for some tailgating. This sounded especially good because they're having an IN'N'OUT truck and a DJ. Woohoo! Party in the parking lot. Only problem is 100,000 other people had the same idea and I didn't even contemplate starting the journey until it was 1pm. After doing a little research and listening to the radio I realized that there would be no place for me to park. I could've taken the train from downtown and then walked a couple blocks and jumped on a shuttle but the logistical reality is that it would've taken about an hour and a half and since I was starting so late I would have gotten there and had to turn around so that I could make it back to R's house (where I'm meeting A) to watch the game on TV.
Needless to say I blew it off.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
FLABBY
I haven't written a word(other than e-mail), or worked out in over two months. I could blame the holiday season, all the busy-ness, etc. Except I'm still unemployed so I wasn't really busy shopping. I think I've become one of those women whom I've always scoffed at. The kind of woman that starts dating someone and falls off the grid. Because I've pretty much gone M.I.A., or more like A.W.A as in Always with A.
This is mostly due to the fact that looking for work is just damn depressing. Hanging out with A. is a lot of fun. It's been almost a year and it's even more fun than it was at first. Yes, he still wants six kids and I don't, but in spite of that we have a great time together and he has become my best friend.
That's all real great, but it's bugging me that I've stopped writing. I'm trying to figure out why. Is it because I'm happy? Too busy having fun to stop and write coherent sentences? Maybe. But I like to write and I have fun stuff to write about like the time I ended up in an Orthodox temple decked out in my outfit from dinner the night before, relegated to the women's side behind the glass with the wig and hat wearing members of my gender who eyed me like the jezebel shiksa I surely was. We were at a Bar Mitzvah and the rabbi was intoning about what happens when a Jewish man lays with a non-jewish captured in war slave woman and the throes of their passion begets a child and I swear everyone in the whole place was staring at me. A. who is not religious got a kick out of it as he stood there with his tallis shawl wrapped around him like somebody's bubbe at a bbq.
I've got lots and lots of stories about my immersion into Israeli culture. Wonderful people, big appetites and strong opinions. Or at least that's what it seems like to me as I listen/watch them converse. There's lots of yelling and arm waving and emphatic sounds and they may just be giving each other directions but it's all done via passionate discourse.
Along with all the fun I've been having I haven't missed a meal. I am overflowing my jeans with a yeasty roll of blubbery belly and my overflowing hips have been dubbed Chuck and Buck because my arms bounce off them as I walk. I'm not alone in the plump zone either. A. is right there with me and appears to be about to birth one of those six babies he wants. Lucky for him his ass is still where it should be and other than the fact that you could hide a couple of vanilla wafers in his back fat he still looks damn good.
I on the other hand am just heading into fatland. I'm not one for resolutions but I am making a commitment to myself to write here every day. Even if it's just one sentence.
And I'm going back to the 20 minute minimum workout 6 days a week.
Flabby is not the look I'm going for in '06.
I haven't written a word(other than e-mail), or worked out in over two months. I could blame the holiday season, all the busy-ness, etc. Except I'm still unemployed so I wasn't really busy shopping. I think I've become one of those women whom I've always scoffed at. The kind of woman that starts dating someone and falls off the grid. Because I've pretty much gone M.I.A., or more like A.W.A as in Always with A.
This is mostly due to the fact that looking for work is just damn depressing. Hanging out with A. is a lot of fun. It's been almost a year and it's even more fun than it was at first. Yes, he still wants six kids and I don't, but in spite of that we have a great time together and he has become my best friend.
That's all real great, but it's bugging me that I've stopped writing. I'm trying to figure out why. Is it because I'm happy? Too busy having fun to stop and write coherent sentences? Maybe. But I like to write and I have fun stuff to write about like the time I ended up in an Orthodox temple decked out in my outfit from dinner the night before, relegated to the women's side behind the glass with the wig and hat wearing members of my gender who eyed me like the jezebel shiksa I surely was. We were at a Bar Mitzvah and the rabbi was intoning about what happens when a Jewish man lays with a non-jewish captured in war slave woman and the throes of their passion begets a child and I swear everyone in the whole place was staring at me. A. who is not religious got a kick out of it as he stood there with his tallis shawl wrapped around him like somebody's bubbe at a bbq.
I've got lots and lots of stories about my immersion into Israeli culture. Wonderful people, big appetites and strong opinions. Or at least that's what it seems like to me as I listen/watch them converse. There's lots of yelling and arm waving and emphatic sounds and they may just be giving each other directions but it's all done via passionate discourse.
Along with all the fun I've been having I haven't missed a meal. I am overflowing my jeans with a yeasty roll of blubbery belly and my overflowing hips have been dubbed Chuck and Buck because my arms bounce off them as I walk. I'm not alone in the plump zone either. A. is right there with me and appears to be about to birth one of those six babies he wants. Lucky for him his ass is still where it should be and other than the fact that you could hide a couple of vanilla wafers in his back fat he still looks damn good.
I on the other hand am just heading into fatland. I'm not one for resolutions but I am making a commitment to myself to write here every day. Even if it's just one sentence.
And I'm going back to the 20 minute minimum workout 6 days a week.
Flabby is not the look I'm going for in '06.
Monday, October 10, 2005
CUZ I'M A BITCH
I have been following the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, excuse me, I mean Kate, affair out of the corner of my eye. I have friends who are involved with the Church of Scientology and in fact, went to the wedding of two Scientologists just last year. It was beautiful and everyone was very nice. The ceremony was no different than many weddings that I attend. So they ask people who come to witness the ceremony to give their support. I liked that. I've seen it at other weddings it's not just a Scientology thing.
In fact, there's not a lot in the teachings of Scientology that veer off that far from my own spiritual practice. They believe that you create your reality and that you have the power to manifest great success in your life. There's not a lot of going on about God although they talk about L. Ron like my born again friends talk about Jesus. I know that much has been made about Xenu and science fiction but I think that's just one more source of income - pushing the boss's books. We don't talk about the Thetan stuff because it gives me the giggles, but it's not so far out there from some of the stuff that the Catholics believe.
Where I find myself uncomfortable with Scientology and where I beg to differ with my friends who are members of the church is their take on Homosexuality, they believe that you can be cured of it, and in this Scientology joins the rank of file homophobia of most organized religions. And then there's their take on psychiatry and drugs. While I do agree that drugs are over prescribed and that diagnoses like ADD are tossed around like confetti, I don't agree with the complete dismissal of the field as quackery. I have too many friends and family members who have benefitted from the short term, or in some cases daily, doses of medication to right their emotional ships.
These are people who thought very seriously about killing themselves because they were clinically depressed. They are people who are manic depressive and fight a daily battle with their brain chemistry. To say that the drugs that they take have no value and that they would be fine with vitamins is arrogant in the extreme.
Arrogant was the word Tom Cruise used to describe Matt Lauer's questions about Tom's statement regarding Brook Shields and her post partum depression. I still can't get over that interview, to me that was way more crazy and concerning than the couch dance on Oprah. There he just looked like an ass. But to make the statements that he did about post partum depression being bullshit just pissed me off.
When I heard that "Kate" was with child instead of wondering if perhaps Scientology has indeed cured him of his rumored homosexuality, a rumor his two previous marriages failed to put to rest; my inner bitch, who is not a nice person, really hoped that Kate will end up with post partum depression. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the vitamin treatment works out for her.
Karma can be a bitch too.
I have been following the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, excuse me, I mean Kate, affair out of the corner of my eye. I have friends who are involved with the Church of Scientology and in fact, went to the wedding of two Scientologists just last year. It was beautiful and everyone was very nice. The ceremony was no different than many weddings that I attend. So they ask people who come to witness the ceremony to give their support. I liked that. I've seen it at other weddings it's not just a Scientology thing.
In fact, there's not a lot in the teachings of Scientology that veer off that far from my own spiritual practice. They believe that you create your reality and that you have the power to manifest great success in your life. There's not a lot of going on about God although they talk about L. Ron like my born again friends talk about Jesus. I know that much has been made about Xenu and science fiction but I think that's just one more source of income - pushing the boss's books. We don't talk about the Thetan stuff because it gives me the giggles, but it's not so far out there from some of the stuff that the Catholics believe.
Where I find myself uncomfortable with Scientology and where I beg to differ with my friends who are members of the church is their take on Homosexuality, they believe that you can be cured of it, and in this Scientology joins the rank of file homophobia of most organized religions. And then there's their take on psychiatry and drugs. While I do agree that drugs are over prescribed and that diagnoses like ADD are tossed around like confetti, I don't agree with the complete dismissal of the field as quackery. I have too many friends and family members who have benefitted from the short term, or in some cases daily, doses of medication to right their emotional ships.
These are people who thought very seriously about killing themselves because they were clinically depressed. They are people who are manic depressive and fight a daily battle with their brain chemistry. To say that the drugs that they take have no value and that they would be fine with vitamins is arrogant in the extreme.
Arrogant was the word Tom Cruise used to describe Matt Lauer's questions about Tom's statement regarding Brook Shields and her post partum depression. I still can't get over that interview, to me that was way more crazy and concerning than the couch dance on Oprah. There he just looked like an ass. But to make the statements that he did about post partum depression being bullshit just pissed me off.
When I heard that "Kate" was with child instead of wondering if perhaps Scientology has indeed cured him of his rumored homosexuality, a rumor his two previous marriages failed to put to rest; my inner bitch, who is not a nice person, really hoped that Kate will end up with post partum depression. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the vitamin treatment works out for her.
Karma can be a bitch too.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
DIVINE DINING
Last night I met Teefah and three Little Goddesses for dinner at Maggiano’s. The Little Goddesses had just completed the Her Voice program to prevent teen pregnancy and this was the first time I was able to spend some one on one time with the girls. I sit on the board and I have spent time with girls at fundraising events, but Teefah invited me to come along last night so I could get to know some of them better.
I wasn’t sure what to expect. Most of these girls live in group homes and have been in the foster care system. Most of them are black or hispanic. Many of them are angry and kind of scary the way that angry women can be. I was absolutely delighted to meet three girls, all very different, but all very charming and funny and excited about life despite the challenges they’ve had to endure.
They wanted to know about me; like did I know what I wanted to be when I was there age. I had no idea and there are days when I feel like I’m still clueless. I know what I love to do – write and work with people – but as far as how that works into career? I’m still trying to figure it out. I was so curious to know about them but didn’t want to hear stories about abuse and horrific childhood trauma because I didn’t want to define them that way.
I was circumspect in asking questions. I wanted to stay in the present moment so I asked if they knew what they wanted to be. They all nodded emphatically. Ms. J wants to be a chef, Ms. C. wants to be a CSI lab tech. Well, she really wants to be a cop, but she’s been told that it’s too dangerous. Ms. P wants to be a lawyer despite the fact that she’s only been in this country for three years and is still learning to speak English. She understand and reads more easily than the speaks and writes and she’s only 16 so I’m sure by the time she’s ready to go to college she’ll do just fine. In fact, I’m sure that she will be able to do anything she wants to do because she left her home in Central America at the age of 13 and, traveling alone, without her family, got herself into this country.
I could barely get myself to beach on the bus when I was thirteen and thought my mother was horrible for not driving me. And I showed her by hitchhiking which is another story, but an experience that makes me fairly certain that I wouldn’t have been able to get myself across a whole country.
The stories of their lives came out, but mostly in context with their dreams for the future. Both Ms. J and Ms. C lost their mothers to illness when they were around 10 years old. Both of them have had people die right at their feet. They go to the same school and have friends who “bang,” though they don’t date boys who do. We had quite a discussion about how fine thugs are and we all agreed that 50 Cent has a rockin’ body but his face isn’t as cute as Nelly’s.
Ms. P goes to a rival high school though they all live in the same group home. We had quite the discussion about boys and babies. They wanted to know why I didn’t want to have children. I told them I’d rather adopt a child that’s already here, preferably one with verbal skills. They kept pressing and it made me think until finally I was able to articulate that while I really wanted children when I was younger I was never with a man that I thought would be a good father and that I think one of the first things you do to be a good mother is pick a man who will be a good dad. For most of my life my picker has been broken when it comes to men. I talked to them about what makes a man a good man, a definition that has evolved and changed for me over the years.
What I told them, I wish someone had told me when I was there age, that it’s important to know what makes you happy and to find a man who wants to know and will do whatever he can to make you happy. If a woman is happy in her life then she will put her energy into making those around her happy, her man, her family, but if she’s busy trying to make them happy without taking care of herself it’s not going to work because she’s going to get pissed off.
And a pissed off woman is scary.
Last night I met Teefah and three Little Goddesses for dinner at Maggiano’s. The Little Goddesses had just completed the Her Voice program to prevent teen pregnancy and this was the first time I was able to spend some one on one time with the girls. I sit on the board and I have spent time with girls at fundraising events, but Teefah invited me to come along last night so I could get to know some of them better.
I wasn’t sure what to expect. Most of these girls live in group homes and have been in the foster care system. Most of them are black or hispanic. Many of them are angry and kind of scary the way that angry women can be. I was absolutely delighted to meet three girls, all very different, but all very charming and funny and excited about life despite the challenges they’ve had to endure.
They wanted to know about me; like did I know what I wanted to be when I was there age. I had no idea and there are days when I feel like I’m still clueless. I know what I love to do – write and work with people – but as far as how that works into career? I’m still trying to figure it out. I was so curious to know about them but didn’t want to hear stories about abuse and horrific childhood trauma because I didn’t want to define them that way.
I was circumspect in asking questions. I wanted to stay in the present moment so I asked if they knew what they wanted to be. They all nodded emphatically. Ms. J wants to be a chef, Ms. C. wants to be a CSI lab tech. Well, she really wants to be a cop, but she’s been told that it’s too dangerous. Ms. P wants to be a lawyer despite the fact that she’s only been in this country for three years and is still learning to speak English. She understand and reads more easily than the speaks and writes and she’s only 16 so I’m sure by the time she’s ready to go to college she’ll do just fine. In fact, I’m sure that she will be able to do anything she wants to do because she left her home in Central America at the age of 13 and, traveling alone, without her family, got herself into this country.
I could barely get myself to beach on the bus when I was thirteen and thought my mother was horrible for not driving me. And I showed her by hitchhiking which is another story, but an experience that makes me fairly certain that I wouldn’t have been able to get myself across a whole country.
The stories of their lives came out, but mostly in context with their dreams for the future. Both Ms. J and Ms. C lost their mothers to illness when they were around 10 years old. Both of them have had people die right at their feet. They go to the same school and have friends who “bang,” though they don’t date boys who do. We had quite a discussion about how fine thugs are and we all agreed that 50 Cent has a rockin’ body but his face isn’t as cute as Nelly’s.
Ms. P goes to a rival high school though they all live in the same group home. We had quite the discussion about boys and babies. They wanted to know why I didn’t want to have children. I told them I’d rather adopt a child that’s already here, preferably one with verbal skills. They kept pressing and it made me think until finally I was able to articulate that while I really wanted children when I was younger I was never with a man that I thought would be a good father and that I think one of the first things you do to be a good mother is pick a man who will be a good dad. For most of my life my picker has been broken when it comes to men. I talked to them about what makes a man a good man, a definition that has evolved and changed for me over the years.
What I told them, I wish someone had told me when I was there age, that it’s important to know what makes you happy and to find a man who wants to know and will do whatever he can to make you happy. If a woman is happy in her life then she will put her energy into making those around her happy, her man, her family, but if she’s busy trying to make them happy without taking care of herself it’s not going to work because she’s going to get pissed off.
And a pissed off woman is scary.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I'M BAAAAAAACK
I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing. It feels horrible. But at the same time you've got to go out and do stuff to write about you know? I was thinking about that in the shower just now. That's the kind of day I've had. I just now took my morning shower. And I'm just now writing here, something that I set an intention to do this morning. Hey, at least I'm not going to bed without doing it. Anyway, in the shower I was thinking about writing because if I'm not writing I'm thinking about how I should be writing. I was thinking about how writing is this solitary thing that you do alone in a room...well, I do it alone in a room, and how if you spend too much time alone in that room you have nothing to write about except stuff you've already done. Lots of the time I can't remember if I've already written here about stuff I've done. I have a fear of becoming one of those people who tell the same stories over and over again because they don't have any new stories.
So I've been collecting some new stories.
But I'm tired and ready to go to sleep so I'm going to share something I got from a friend the other night.
Okay I've written some sample profiles for myself and I need your opinion.
#1
Shy gal who likes dominoes, philately, and role-play games looking for handsome blue collar worker. I have quite a bit of house cleaning that I'll need done and I hope you are not put off by the outfits I'll require you to wear as you clean. I don't like dirt. If you don't clean well you will have to do it again and you'll be spanked the entire time. In addition to my OCD, I have several phobias that some find disturbing. Lastly, I'm totally shaved.
#2
Hey Mother Fucker! Are you unemployed, in debt, excessively hairy, covered in flop sweat, prone to sudden violent outburst, partially or completely toothless, unwashed, unimpressive, in favor of polygamy, talented in nothing, interested in even less, and in possession of a wide array of poorly concieved sex toys?
Well I like blindfolds, orange juice and have a nasty disposition! I'm missing most of my left leg, have incurable gas and frequent seizures. Come fill my world with your love! Make me all tingly as we commit minor crimes.
(No Mexicans Please)
#3
Hi! I'm Cookie and I have 11 cats! I only sleep with one cat though! He's my poopy shmoopy cuddly pork chop pie! Yes he is! Yes he is! I collect stickers and I like Snoopy! I have 57 Hello Kitty items! I just got the Hello Kitty Toaster! I've never been on a real date cause mom says 12 is too young! Do you mind braces?! (On my teeth and my back!) I have scoliosis!
#4
Oh God. I'd give anything to find someone. Anyone. I don't care what you look like. I'm not much to look at myself. I've been working at Starbucks for some time and have become rather depressed. The pills help. Look even if you just came over to help me move some boxes because I think my ferret is trapped. Plus my back really itches. You know how that is. I wear a lot of black clothing because I'm a huge Nihilist. God is Dead. Isn't that cool? I have piercings and tats. One of my piercings might be infected though. I need a guy who is into body art, Red Bull and Social Distortion. I also like to watch Desperate Housewives. TV rocks.
I think a girl would do really well with #1. The last sentence alone should get her lots of attention.
What the hell is philately?
I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing. It feels horrible. But at the same time you've got to go out and do stuff to write about you know? I was thinking about that in the shower just now. That's the kind of day I've had. I just now took my morning shower. And I'm just now writing here, something that I set an intention to do this morning. Hey, at least I'm not going to bed without doing it. Anyway, in the shower I was thinking about writing because if I'm not writing I'm thinking about how I should be writing. I was thinking about how writing is this solitary thing that you do alone in a room...well, I do it alone in a room, and how if you spend too much time alone in that room you have nothing to write about except stuff you've already done. Lots of the time I can't remember if I've already written here about stuff I've done. I have a fear of becoming one of those people who tell the same stories over and over again because they don't have any new stories.
So I've been collecting some new stories.
But I'm tired and ready to go to sleep so I'm going to share something I got from a friend the other night.
Okay I've written some sample profiles for myself and I need your opinion.
#1
Shy gal who likes dominoes, philately, and role-play games looking for handsome blue collar worker. I have quite a bit of house cleaning that I'll need done and I hope you are not put off by the outfits I'll require you to wear as you clean. I don't like dirt. If you don't clean well you will have to do it again and you'll be spanked the entire time. In addition to my OCD, I have several phobias that some find disturbing. Lastly, I'm totally shaved.
#2
Hey Mother Fucker! Are you unemployed, in debt, excessively hairy, covered in flop sweat, prone to sudden violent outburst, partially or completely toothless, unwashed, unimpressive, in favor of polygamy, talented in nothing, interested in even less, and in possession of a wide array of poorly concieved sex toys?
Well I like blindfolds, orange juice and have a nasty disposition! I'm missing most of my left leg, have incurable gas and frequent seizures. Come fill my world with your love! Make me all tingly as we commit minor crimes.
(No Mexicans Please)
#3
Hi! I'm Cookie and I have 11 cats! I only sleep with one cat though! He's my poopy shmoopy cuddly pork chop pie! Yes he is! Yes he is! I collect stickers and I like Snoopy! I have 57 Hello Kitty items! I just got the Hello Kitty Toaster! I've never been on a real date cause mom says 12 is too young! Do you mind braces?! (On my teeth and my back!) I have scoliosis!
#4
Oh God. I'd give anything to find someone. Anyone. I don't care what you look like. I'm not much to look at myself. I've been working at Starbucks for some time and have become rather depressed. The pills help. Look even if you just came over to help me move some boxes because I think my ferret is trapped. Plus my back really itches. You know how that is. I wear a lot of black clothing because I'm a huge Nihilist. God is Dead. Isn't that cool? I have piercings and tats. One of my piercings might be infected though. I need a guy who is into body art, Red Bull and Social Distortion. I also like to watch Desperate Housewives. TV rocks.
I think a girl would do really well with #1. The last sentence alone should get her lots of attention.
What the hell is philately?
Thursday, September 01, 2005
GIVE A LITTLE BIT
Today I went here and gave a little bit to help out those people affected by Hurricane Katrina. I am struck, in those brief moments when I look at news coverage, by the fact that most of the people are people of color. When I first heard that the hurricane was making toward New Orleans on Sunday night I thought about visiting there and how I was struck by the disparity between the wealthy and the poor in the south and how it still seems to divide along the color line.
I haven't been looking much at coverage except for the two times A. and I went to Rick's house for dinner on Sunday and Tuesday and the new girl that he is dating insisted that we watch the coverage. While eating. I thought she said she was from New Mexico, but apparently she is from New Orleans. I don't know I'm kind of confused, she mentioned an elementary school that she went to in NOLA, but anyway it's kind of like meeting someone who is from New York for the first time, right after 9/11.
After 9/11 I watched news coverage and sat and cried and felt helpless and horrified. That's pretty much how I felt during those hours at those two dinner "parties" when I was sitting in a room with the urgent voices of the newscasters reiterating over and over again how horrible things are. So I have opted out of the obssessive news watching after tragic events for the last 4 years. It takes me to a place mentally and physically that renders me ineffective and quite frankly, I am a bummer to be around because, well, I am so bummed out by those pictures and the stories.
Instead I do a little research and find the best place to donate some money to, in the hopes that it will be put to work to alleviate some of the suffering. I make an effort to quiet my mind and hold a place for a positive vision of the future and peace and protection for all those who are suffering in the present. There are more than enough people out there speaking urgently and in dour tones about the reality of how horrible the situation is, so I'm not needed in those ranks.
If you can turn off your TV and give a little bit, to help the living keep on going, and get to a better day.
Today I went here and gave a little bit to help out those people affected by Hurricane Katrina. I am struck, in those brief moments when I look at news coverage, by the fact that most of the people are people of color. When I first heard that the hurricane was making toward New Orleans on Sunday night I thought about visiting there and how I was struck by the disparity between the wealthy and the poor in the south and how it still seems to divide along the color line.
I haven't been looking much at coverage except for the two times A. and I went to Rick's house for dinner on Sunday and Tuesday and the new girl that he is dating insisted that we watch the coverage. While eating. I thought she said she was from New Mexico, but apparently she is from New Orleans. I don't know I'm kind of confused, she mentioned an elementary school that she went to in NOLA, but anyway it's kind of like meeting someone who is from New York for the first time, right after 9/11.
After 9/11 I watched news coverage and sat and cried and felt helpless and horrified. That's pretty much how I felt during those hours at those two dinner "parties" when I was sitting in a room with the urgent voices of the newscasters reiterating over and over again how horrible things are. So I have opted out of the obssessive news watching after tragic events for the last 4 years. It takes me to a place mentally and physically that renders me ineffective and quite frankly, I am a bummer to be around because, well, I am so bummed out by those pictures and the stories.
Instead I do a little research and find the best place to donate some money to, in the hopes that it will be put to work to alleviate some of the suffering. I make an effort to quiet my mind and hold a place for a positive vision of the future and peace and protection for all those who are suffering in the present. There are more than enough people out there speaking urgently and in dour tones about the reality of how horrible the situation is, so I'm not needed in those ranks.
If you can turn off your TV and give a little bit, to help the living keep on going, and get to a better day.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
OH BABY!
Yesterday I helped Giacomo come into the world. He was due a couple weeks from now, but they induced his mama at midnight on Sunday because he was pretty big already. I got home yesterday morning about 8:15 and called the hospital.
“I just called you,” she said. “My water broke about 20 minutes ago and the doctor came in right after that. I’m dilated to a two. And Joe isn’t feeling well, his head hurts and he’s laying down.”
I told her I was on my way and got down to St. John’s in about 25 minutes. She had just asked for her epidural and Joe was not just sleeping he was pretty much unconscious and burning up. I sat with her while she labored through the contractions which were regular, but not too big. I reminded her to breathe, but not too fast, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I thought to myself how annoying it must be to be in that kind of pain and have someone tell you what to do.
The anasthesiologist arrived. In my head Heart was singing "Magic Man." His name was Roger and he was a very tall asian doctor who looked like he was about, oh, maybe twenty years old. He put the epidural in and hung the bag. They do them on drip now and why anyone wouldn’t want something to take the edge off, I have no idea. In the middle of that procedure Joe’s parents and his sister and Ocelli arrived. They set up a waiting area in the hall which was not okay with the chirpy nurse who came in to tell us to do something about them.
St. John’s is an awesome place to have a baby. They have big, clean rooms with huge flat screen TVs. But I don’t like the nurses. They are not very nurturing. Not at all. Too many details to go into around that so I’ll just leave it there. Except to say that if you’re a nurse and you find yourself behaving passive aggressively with your patients, e.g. saying things like “That baby’s not very happy in there,” and then enigmatically leaving the room, well, maybe it’s time to find another line of work.
Anyway, once Joe’s parents got there and I got the nurse to take his temperature (which I bet they bill for) it was determined that they should take him home because it’s not cool to be in the room with your 102+ temperature and whatever virus is making you so hot when your baby is being born. I think this is why the nurse got passive aggressive because it was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but still, don’t freak mama out! She’s going to have to push a giant baby out of her vagina and her husband isn’t going to be there with her.
No. It was me and Aunt Mia and Ocelli who is four and promised to be very good and sit in a chair against the wall where she couldn’t see all the action. So after the room cleared we all sat around talking and put on some cartoons for Ocelli and settled in to wait. Thought it would be a long time. But mama was feeling some discomfort because of epidural light and thank God she got that because her contractions were coming almost on top of each other and they were HUGE! I was watching the tape and watching her and although she could feel them she was able to breathe through them. When she started shaking about 10:30 we thought it might be a reaction to the drug, but then it got more and more violent and the only other time I’d seen her shake like that was when she was ready to deliver Ocelli.
I went out to the nurse station where all eight of those ladies were sitting around having coffee talk and said, “Excuse me, she’s shaking like a junkie that needs a fix. Do you think this could be due to the epidural? Or is it possible she’s ready to go?” They all looked at each other like I was the biggest pain in the ass and allowed that it might be poassible that she was “complete,” and I stood there looking at them like, so is anyone going to come check? But no one moved so I went back to the room. A while later the nurse came in and checked her and said she was ready to start pushing.
Oh golly, that was fast and there were just two of us to do the helping and the filming. Luckily, one of Ocelli’s babysitters volunteers at the hospital so she was able to come and sit with her because we couldn’t leave her unattended, even with the mindsucking cartoons on TV because she could still hear her mama making the distressing sounds that women are wont to make when they’re pushing out a baby.
While Mia filmed, me and nurse Ratchett pushed mama’s legs up to her chest and as I counted to ten she pushed as hard as she could. Because her epidural was so light she could really feel to push so that baby came moving down pretty fast. Although if I had a 9lb. 1oz. baby coming out of me I would push pretty damn hard too. She had to stop so the doctor who arrived to catch could put on his gear. He's a funny guy who says things like, "Now we're cooking with gas." And "Wow, this kid's a linebacker!"
He is huge! And adorable! He has lots of curly dark hair that the nursery nurse parted down the side and combed over very debonairly. With his little sideburns and his big cheeks he looked a little like a very young Marlon Brando in the Godfather. I went with him to the nursery because after all that work his mama wanted to make sure that he didn’t get switched or stolen so I promised I would never take my eyes off of him
As I watched them do all the things that they do to babies I wondered what it must feel like. You’re in your own world and the next thing you know you’re laying naked on a table with a bright, warm, light shining down on you and people are looming over you poking you with needles and sticking a thermometer up your butt and you can’t really move… And I thought this is actually a lot like the stories people tell about alien abduction – being naked and unable to move on a metal table and getting the anal probe. What if those stories are only people’s latent birth memories?
As I stood there pondering this, a new father whose wife had just had a baby girl came in with her, and looking a tad shell shocked he said, “There’s a lot they don’t tell you about the whole thing.” I looked at him. “You know in Lamaze class, they don’t tell you everything, you know?” He looked a little green. Happy, but a little green. “You mean about all the blood and goosh?” I asked. “Yeah. Man, they don’t tell you about that.”
And he’s right. There’s no way you can know what it’s like unless you’re there to see it. Not even the movie they showed in 7th grade health class which featured an episiotomy, an image I will have seared on my retina forever, showed exactly how much um, stuff, is involved. It is nothing like birth in the movies or on TV. It is incredible. What it takes to get here into this world down that birth canal is messy, and primal and bloody. And powerful. That’s probably the best word to describe it because once the head and shoulders come out the rest is just a whoosh and then there’s crying and laughing and awe. And a lot of goop.
As soon as Giacomo came out I picked up Ocelli who was standing to the side but edging to the nether regions to get a better look and lifted her up to see her brother and to see that her mama was okay. The doctor was great because he explained everything he was doing, cutting the cord, delivering the afterbirth – or baby’s apartment – and then sewing mama up because that baby's huge head made her tear a little. And thankfully explanation was enough and she didn’t want visuals to go along with it.
Aunt Mia got the whole thing on tape to show daddy and it all took less than 10 minutes. But just like when Ocelli was born and I saw her huge head and the miracle of her birth I think that adoption is an excellent choice for me. It’s a miracle that women can grow babies and give birth, but if my vagina has a vote, it votes no on the whole pushing out of the watermelon sized object.
Birth is a miracle, but there is a lot they don't tell you.
Yesterday I helped Giacomo come into the world. He was due a couple weeks from now, but they induced his mama at midnight on Sunday because he was pretty big already. I got home yesterday morning about 8:15 and called the hospital.
“I just called you,” she said. “My water broke about 20 minutes ago and the doctor came in right after that. I’m dilated to a two. And Joe isn’t feeling well, his head hurts and he’s laying down.”
I told her I was on my way and got down to St. John’s in about 25 minutes. She had just asked for her epidural and Joe was not just sleeping he was pretty much unconscious and burning up. I sat with her while she labored through the contractions which were regular, but not too big. I reminded her to breathe, but not too fast, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I thought to myself how annoying it must be to be in that kind of pain and have someone tell you what to do.
The anasthesiologist arrived. In my head Heart was singing "Magic Man." His name was Roger and he was a very tall asian doctor who looked like he was about, oh, maybe twenty years old. He put the epidural in and hung the bag. They do them on drip now and why anyone wouldn’t want something to take the edge off, I have no idea. In the middle of that procedure Joe’s parents and his sister and Ocelli arrived. They set up a waiting area in the hall which was not okay with the chirpy nurse who came in to tell us to do something about them.
St. John’s is an awesome place to have a baby. They have big, clean rooms with huge flat screen TVs. But I don’t like the nurses. They are not very nurturing. Not at all. Too many details to go into around that so I’ll just leave it there. Except to say that if you’re a nurse and you find yourself behaving passive aggressively with your patients, e.g. saying things like “That baby’s not very happy in there,” and then enigmatically leaving the room, well, maybe it’s time to find another line of work.
Anyway, once Joe’s parents got there and I got the nurse to take his temperature (which I bet they bill for) it was determined that they should take him home because it’s not cool to be in the room with your 102+ temperature and whatever virus is making you so hot when your baby is being born. I think this is why the nurse got passive aggressive because it was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but still, don’t freak mama out! She’s going to have to push a giant baby out of her vagina and her husband isn’t going to be there with her.
No. It was me and Aunt Mia and Ocelli who is four and promised to be very good and sit in a chair against the wall where she couldn’t see all the action. So after the room cleared we all sat around talking and put on some cartoons for Ocelli and settled in to wait. Thought it would be a long time. But mama was feeling some discomfort because of epidural light and thank God she got that because her contractions were coming almost on top of each other and they were HUGE! I was watching the tape and watching her and although she could feel them she was able to breathe through them. When she started shaking about 10:30 we thought it might be a reaction to the drug, but then it got more and more violent and the only other time I’d seen her shake like that was when she was ready to deliver Ocelli.
I went out to the nurse station where all eight of those ladies were sitting around having coffee talk and said, “Excuse me, she’s shaking like a junkie that needs a fix. Do you think this could be due to the epidural? Or is it possible she’s ready to go?” They all looked at each other like I was the biggest pain in the ass and allowed that it might be poassible that she was “complete,” and I stood there looking at them like, so is anyone going to come check? But no one moved so I went back to the room. A while later the nurse came in and checked her and said she was ready to start pushing.
Oh golly, that was fast and there were just two of us to do the helping and the filming. Luckily, one of Ocelli’s babysitters volunteers at the hospital so she was able to come and sit with her because we couldn’t leave her unattended, even with the mindsucking cartoons on TV because she could still hear her mama making the distressing sounds that women are wont to make when they’re pushing out a baby.
While Mia filmed, me and nurse Ratchett pushed mama’s legs up to her chest and as I counted to ten she pushed as hard as she could. Because her epidural was so light she could really feel to push so that baby came moving down pretty fast. Although if I had a 9lb. 1oz. baby coming out of me I would push pretty damn hard too. She had to stop so the doctor who arrived to catch could put on his gear. He's a funny guy who says things like, "Now we're cooking with gas." And "Wow, this kid's a linebacker!"
He is huge! And adorable! He has lots of curly dark hair that the nursery nurse parted down the side and combed over very debonairly. With his little sideburns and his big cheeks he looked a little like a very young Marlon Brando in the Godfather. I went with him to the nursery because after all that work his mama wanted to make sure that he didn’t get switched or stolen so I promised I would never take my eyes off of him
As I watched them do all the things that they do to babies I wondered what it must feel like. You’re in your own world and the next thing you know you’re laying naked on a table with a bright, warm, light shining down on you and people are looming over you poking you with needles and sticking a thermometer up your butt and you can’t really move… And I thought this is actually a lot like the stories people tell about alien abduction – being naked and unable to move on a metal table and getting the anal probe. What if those stories are only people’s latent birth memories?
As I stood there pondering this, a new father whose wife had just had a baby girl came in with her, and looking a tad shell shocked he said, “There’s a lot they don’t tell you about the whole thing.” I looked at him. “You know in Lamaze class, they don’t tell you everything, you know?” He looked a little green. Happy, but a little green. “You mean about all the blood and goosh?” I asked. “Yeah. Man, they don’t tell you about that.”
And he’s right. There’s no way you can know what it’s like unless you’re there to see it. Not even the movie they showed in 7th grade health class which featured an episiotomy, an image I will have seared on my retina forever, showed exactly how much um, stuff, is involved. It is nothing like birth in the movies or on TV. It is incredible. What it takes to get here into this world down that birth canal is messy, and primal and bloody. And powerful. That’s probably the best word to describe it because once the head and shoulders come out the rest is just a whoosh and then there’s crying and laughing and awe. And a lot of goop.
As soon as Giacomo came out I picked up Ocelli who was standing to the side but edging to the nether regions to get a better look and lifted her up to see her brother and to see that her mama was okay. The doctor was great because he explained everything he was doing, cutting the cord, delivering the afterbirth – or baby’s apartment – and then sewing mama up because that baby's huge head made her tear a little. And thankfully explanation was enough and she didn’t want visuals to go along with it.
Aunt Mia got the whole thing on tape to show daddy and it all took less than 10 minutes. But just like when Ocelli was born and I saw her huge head and the miracle of her birth I think that adoption is an excellent choice for me. It’s a miracle that women can grow babies and give birth, but if my vagina has a vote, it votes no on the whole pushing out of the watermelon sized object.
Birth is a miracle, but there is a lot they don't tell you.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
AROUND THE HOMESTEAD
Since I've been laid off I've been focusing on the writing, as much as I can focus on any one thing. Today the words are coming easy, but I can't sit still for more than a half hour at a time. Luckily for me my house is a mess from 2 and a half weeks of being sick and spending an inordinate amount of time at A's house. So when I get that antsy feeling I just get up and go dust, or clean the microwave, or do a load of laundry. By the end of today I should have the broad strokes of my treatment finished AND a sparkling clean house.
On another note - the crazy lady who lives upstairs hacked all my scented geranium, hydrangea and lavender into bits. She wore gardening gloves while she did it. I sat and watched her out the window. I was afraid to go out and stop her because she was wielding large, sharp shears and I'm scared of her. So consequently all that's left out there is the dead undergrowth. Ran into her ex-boyfriend at Trader Joe's not long after, you know, the guy that moved out and left us here with a psychotic drug addict? He asked how things were going and I told him about the hedge hacking incident. He acted surprised and said he'd discuss it with her. I told him not to bother. He's been "discussing" things with her for a long time and nothing changes. I took pictures of the carnage and will show them to the landlord as he is basically waiting for just one more occasion of aberrant behavior as grounds to evict them both. He said, "Oh, okay then."
On a more positive note I have succeeded in growing corn! The green beans, tomatoes and strawberries are easy, but getting corn to pollenate? No so much. But a few days ago I saw actual ears with silk sprouting from my corn stalks. I am so excited. I wonder if I lived on a farm would I run out to the fields everyday and check to see how things are progressing like I do with my 6'x6' plot of dirt behind the building? Yeah, most likely I would. But I would probaby wear overalls instead of my pajamas.
Since I've been laid off I've been focusing on the writing, as much as I can focus on any one thing. Today the words are coming easy, but I can't sit still for more than a half hour at a time. Luckily for me my house is a mess from 2 and a half weeks of being sick and spending an inordinate amount of time at A's house. So when I get that antsy feeling I just get up and go dust, or clean the microwave, or do a load of laundry. By the end of today I should have the broad strokes of my treatment finished AND a sparkling clean house.
On another note - the crazy lady who lives upstairs hacked all my scented geranium, hydrangea and lavender into bits. She wore gardening gloves while she did it. I sat and watched her out the window. I was afraid to go out and stop her because she was wielding large, sharp shears and I'm scared of her. So consequently all that's left out there is the dead undergrowth. Ran into her ex-boyfriend at Trader Joe's not long after, you know, the guy that moved out and left us here with a psychotic drug addict? He asked how things were going and I told him about the hedge hacking incident. He acted surprised and said he'd discuss it with her. I told him not to bother. He's been "discussing" things with her for a long time and nothing changes. I took pictures of the carnage and will show them to the landlord as he is basically waiting for just one more occasion of aberrant behavior as grounds to evict them both. He said, "Oh, okay then."
On a more positive note I have succeeded in growing corn! The green beans, tomatoes and strawberries are easy, but getting corn to pollenate? No so much. But a few days ago I saw actual ears with silk sprouting from my corn stalks. I am so excited. I wonder if I lived on a farm would I run out to the fields everyday and check to see how things are progressing like I do with my 6'x6' plot of dirt behind the building? Yeah, most likely I would. But I would probaby wear overalls instead of my pajamas.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
FLASHBACK LUNCH
Yesterday A. and I walked down the street to get some lunch. We walked into a little bakery and he made a bee line to this guy that was sitting there eating and reading the paper. A stunningly good looking guy with dark hair and piercing blue eyes, who apparently works there because A. was giving him shit about who was going to wait on us. He tells me that this guy is great. He’s had a baby and just got married and he’s an actor.
Well, of course he is because he is one of those surreally good looking men that seems to drop from the trees in this town.
So I jump in and tell him that his agent should be getting him out there since all the new shows are in production. He should be guest starring in something! As I’m talking he’s really focusing on me, and when I’m done he gives me this long look and says my name.
Like he knows me.
I am completely discomfitted because, as I stand there frantically grasping, I have no recollection of doing anything to deserve that look from this guy.
At least not lately.
Then he smiles and as he’s saying his name I know exactly who he is and he jumps up and we hug and kiss and…
OH MY GOD! It’s Ryan!!!
And this is a totally great story.
A long, long time ago my friend Jeri and I went to Las Vegas and this is one of those times when what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It was Saturday night, our last night before we made the long drive home on Sunday and we were bouncing through the casino at the Tropicana about 3 am. Quite buzzed but on the way down, not the way up. We always stayed at the Trop because we liked going “old school” and we could get poolside rooms for cheap. I have always felt incredibly weird riding on elevators in my bathing suit – it’s just wrong.
So we’ve had our poolside room all weekend and we’ve been partying non-stop and we were ready to go to sleep. The night before had been a very late night and involved broken bathroom fixtures and the query, “so do you hunt?” Being that we were still a little buzzed and basically didn’t give a shit about what people thought, we were tangoing together through the casino. She’s blond and six feet tall and I was, at the time, a red head and 5’9” – and we were wearing high heels and very short dresses.
Which is probably why two young men peeled off from the the pack they were with to chase us down the hall. Make that halls because we were moving pretty fast. When they finally caught up with us as we were making our way toward our room turning over the signs that people leave on their doors from “do not disturb” to “maid service please.” I know it sounds like we were in high school, but we weren’t. We were closer to Sex in the City, which is why when these boys caught up to us to exhort us to go gambling with them and be their “lucky ladies,” we actually chatted them up. Because they were both very cute. The tall, dark haired one with the piercing blue eyes and the earnest look on his face as he held my hand and implored me to go with him was Ryan. His friend with the golden skin, blonde hair and green eyes was Shane. Just by the names alone it was clear that they had not been born until sometime in the mid to late 70s. But still, they were very cute and very sweet and they claimed to be 21 when I suggested that they were still in high school.
So, we didn’t end up going gambling with them and it got all Penthouse Forum like after that and those details will remain between the four of us and you can pretty much make up anything you like to fill in the blank, because it won’t be anywhere near as fun or funny as it actually was. In any case the next morning I opened my eyes when I heard Ryan say, “Dude, I could really go for some Lucky Charms.” I didn’t know if he was talking to me, and it turns out he was talking to Shane who replied, “I know dude, totally.” And then Jeri and I started to laugh hysterically and we all went out to breakfast where I learned that Ryan is allergic to milk and so traveled with his own stash of whatever people used before rice milk in a box.
Our friendship continued even after we returned from Vegas. I still have the sun/moon mirror he gave me for my birthday hanging in an alcove in my house. I was the second woman he ever had sex with and his sweetness was the real deal. We continued our affair for a little while longer, but it evolved into more of a lovely friendship, because it turned out that they did lie to us about their age. And no matter how sweet and handsome a man is, I ultimately need someone with wisdom and experience to keep me interested.
Ryan moved to the L.A. area to be a model-slash-actor and took up with a woman older than I was for a while and then moved on to the woman whom he just married. She’s only ten years older than him, but still it’s clear that this is one sweet and sexy man who appreciates experience and wisdom himself. He is completely in love with his daughter and likes working at the bakery so he can go home and spend most of his time with his family.
We lost touch and I was so happy to see him again and to know that he is the same lovely person that I met all those years ago. After we ordered lunch A. left me to my walk down memory lane and was sitting outside reading the paper at our table when I joined him. He loved the story and it brought back all of his fond memories of the older women in his life. At the end of the day I think that every young man and every older woman should make some lovely memories together. Because all these years later it still made us smile big shit eating grins.
Yesterday A. and I walked down the street to get some lunch. We walked into a little bakery and he made a bee line to this guy that was sitting there eating and reading the paper. A stunningly good looking guy with dark hair and piercing blue eyes, who apparently works there because A. was giving him shit about who was going to wait on us. He tells me that this guy is great. He’s had a baby and just got married and he’s an actor.
Well, of course he is because he is one of those surreally good looking men that seems to drop from the trees in this town.
So I jump in and tell him that his agent should be getting him out there since all the new shows are in production. He should be guest starring in something! As I’m talking he’s really focusing on me, and when I’m done he gives me this long look and says my name.
Like he knows me.
I am completely discomfitted because, as I stand there frantically grasping, I have no recollection of doing anything to deserve that look from this guy.
At least not lately.
Then he smiles and as he’s saying his name I know exactly who he is and he jumps up and we hug and kiss and…
OH MY GOD! It’s Ryan!!!
And this is a totally great story.
A long, long time ago my friend Jeri and I went to Las Vegas and this is one of those times when what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It was Saturday night, our last night before we made the long drive home on Sunday and we were bouncing through the casino at the Tropicana about 3 am. Quite buzzed but on the way down, not the way up. We always stayed at the Trop because we liked going “old school” and we could get poolside rooms for cheap. I have always felt incredibly weird riding on elevators in my bathing suit – it’s just wrong.
So we’ve had our poolside room all weekend and we’ve been partying non-stop and we were ready to go to sleep. The night before had been a very late night and involved broken bathroom fixtures and the query, “so do you hunt?” Being that we were still a little buzzed and basically didn’t give a shit about what people thought, we were tangoing together through the casino. She’s blond and six feet tall and I was, at the time, a red head and 5’9” – and we were wearing high heels and very short dresses.
Which is probably why two young men peeled off from the the pack they were with to chase us down the hall. Make that halls because we were moving pretty fast. When they finally caught up with us as we were making our way toward our room turning over the signs that people leave on their doors from “do not disturb” to “maid service please.” I know it sounds like we were in high school, but we weren’t. We were closer to Sex in the City, which is why when these boys caught up to us to exhort us to go gambling with them and be their “lucky ladies,” we actually chatted them up. Because they were both very cute. The tall, dark haired one with the piercing blue eyes and the earnest look on his face as he held my hand and implored me to go with him was Ryan. His friend with the golden skin, blonde hair and green eyes was Shane. Just by the names alone it was clear that they had not been born until sometime in the mid to late 70s. But still, they were very cute and very sweet and they claimed to be 21 when I suggested that they were still in high school.
So, we didn’t end up going gambling with them and it got all Penthouse Forum like after that and those details will remain between the four of us and you can pretty much make up anything you like to fill in the blank, because it won’t be anywhere near as fun or funny as it actually was. In any case the next morning I opened my eyes when I heard Ryan say, “Dude, I could really go for some Lucky Charms.” I didn’t know if he was talking to me, and it turns out he was talking to Shane who replied, “I know dude, totally.” And then Jeri and I started to laugh hysterically and we all went out to breakfast where I learned that Ryan is allergic to milk and so traveled with his own stash of whatever people used before rice milk in a box.
Our friendship continued even after we returned from Vegas. I still have the sun/moon mirror he gave me for my birthday hanging in an alcove in my house. I was the second woman he ever had sex with and his sweetness was the real deal. We continued our affair for a little while longer, but it evolved into more of a lovely friendship, because it turned out that they did lie to us about their age. And no matter how sweet and handsome a man is, I ultimately need someone with wisdom and experience to keep me interested.
Ryan moved to the L.A. area to be a model-slash-actor and took up with a woman older than I was for a while and then moved on to the woman whom he just married. She’s only ten years older than him, but still it’s clear that this is one sweet and sexy man who appreciates experience and wisdom himself. He is completely in love with his daughter and likes working at the bakery so he can go home and spend most of his time with his family.
We lost touch and I was so happy to see him again and to know that he is the same lovely person that I met all those years ago. After we ordered lunch A. left me to my walk down memory lane and was sitting outside reading the paper at our table when I joined him. He loved the story and it brought back all of his fond memories of the older women in his life. At the end of the day I think that every young man and every older woman should make some lovely memories together. Because all these years later it still made us smile big shit eating grins.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
LONG DISTANCE LOVE
When A. was gone in Serbia we stayed in touch by e-mail, but one I got an e-mail from him telling me to call anytime I felt like it. He had an international cell phone that he'd purchased so he could stay in touch with the office. I was feeling blue about pending unemployment and so I called just to say a quick hello. I must have caught him in a moment of chattiness, or maybe he was just missing me, but after about 5 minutes I said I needed to hang up because, you know I was about to be unemployed and now needed to think about things like long distance charges.
He said, "Don't worry baby, I'll pay for the call. I miss you I. I want to be there for you, let's talk." I'm thinking it can't cost more than a dollar a minute which is the rate that I pay to call London. This is how I rationalized picking up the phone in the first place. Five minutes = five dollars. I can swing that right? However, times have changed in the world of telephone communication. Apparently now you have to pay the long distance carrier in EACH COUNTRY, unless you have an international plan that covers the world.
So yesterday when I got my bill and opened it all the blood drained from my head when I saw that this one forty minute phone call cost $188. 94! Because not only did I get charged the $4.40 a minute tariff rate that currently applies in Serbia Montenegro, there was also an additional charge per minute because I was calling his cell phone! And then there are taxes and surcharges and regulatory fees up the ying yang based on the total call charge of $143.60.
So much for spontaneity. I will never place another international call without first finding out what that country charges. I guess it makes sense that it would be expensive over there considering that their infrastructure had to have been somewhat affected by war.
I feel vaguely guilty, like I should take responsibility for this because I'm like that, but I know that he won't let me pay for it. He will however kvetch and oy and I just hope that he remembers that the last thing he said to me before we hung up on that call was, "I love you."
When A. was gone in Serbia we stayed in touch by e-mail, but one I got an e-mail from him telling me to call anytime I felt like it. He had an international cell phone that he'd purchased so he could stay in touch with the office. I was feeling blue about pending unemployment and so I called just to say a quick hello. I must have caught him in a moment of chattiness, or maybe he was just missing me, but after about 5 minutes I said I needed to hang up because, you know I was about to be unemployed and now needed to think about things like long distance charges.
He said, "Don't worry baby, I'll pay for the call. I miss you I. I want to be there for you, let's talk." I'm thinking it can't cost more than a dollar a minute which is the rate that I pay to call London. This is how I rationalized picking up the phone in the first place. Five minutes = five dollars. I can swing that right? However, times have changed in the world of telephone communication. Apparently now you have to pay the long distance carrier in EACH COUNTRY, unless you have an international plan that covers the world.
So yesterday when I got my bill and opened it all the blood drained from my head when I saw that this one forty minute phone call cost $188. 94! Because not only did I get charged the $4.40 a minute tariff rate that currently applies in Serbia Montenegro, there was also an additional charge per minute because I was calling his cell phone! And then there are taxes and surcharges and regulatory fees up the ying yang based on the total call charge of $143.60.
So much for spontaneity. I will never place another international call without first finding out what that country charges. I guess it makes sense that it would be expensive over there considering that their infrastructure had to have been somewhat affected by war.
I feel vaguely guilty, like I should take responsibility for this because I'm like that, but I know that he won't let me pay for it. He will however kvetch and oy and I just hope that he remembers that the last thing he said to me before we hung up on that call was, "I love you."
Thursday, July 21, 2005
IN AWE OF MAMA
Last week I went down to Long Beach to babysit for Ryan (2.11) and Mia (6.8) while their parents went down to San Diego for Matt’s gig at the new House of Blues. I’ve known these kids since they came into the world and it’s always a pleasure to spend time with them. After 24 hours of babysitting I am always in awe of my friends who stay home and raise their children. It’s exhausting. Leisa says that you get to ease into it because you start out with a newborn, but still, I say it’s harder than any job I’ve ever done.
We went to a playdate at Meg’s house because her kids are about the same age. And they have a slip and slide. And a new kitten named Sunny. And Meg had a nice chilled bottle of white wine. Sitting in the backyard of Meg’s house watching the kids play in the sun reminded me of lazy summer days when I was a little girl. Our slip and slide didn’t have a “splash zone” at the end of it so we would often slide right off the end of it and hurtle into the cement wall my dad built to create planter boxes. Between the 70s version of the slip and slide and Mr. Wiggle, the toy that also attached to the hose and then proceeded to chase you around the backyard squirting you and trying to strangle you our summers in the backyard were a bit edgier.
After slipping and sliding the afternoon away we left to go back home about 5pm. In the rear view mirror I could see Ryan’s eyes drooping and my stomach clenched with fear that he would fall into a five o’clock nap. So I resorted to one of my dad’s tricks for keeping kids awake. He used to sit at the light and tap the brakes and make the car do the cha-cha. Now this was probably more fun back in the good old days when no one wore seatbelts because every time he’d hit the brakes our little bodies would smack into the car seat in front of us and, gasping with laughter we would be climbing back up onto the seats when he’d do it again. We thought this was hilarious and would chorus from the back seat, “Do it again!” Since both kids were strapped into the backseat of mom’s station wagon only their heads would snap back and forth, but they still giggled and wanted more and from the backseat they chorused, “Auntie Susie, you drive crazy!”
Whatever it takes – just don’t go to sleep.
When we got back to the house, all eyes open, it was decided that we should walk down to Rubio’s for dinner. That sounds so simple doesn’t it? It’s not. “Walking” up to the corner is made much more difficult when Ryan wants to go on his peddle bike with the long handle behind it for pushing and decides that the handles are sticky from the last time he was on it with a sucker and he doesn’t want to touch them. This means he’s not steering so I have to tilt the thing back and push him up the street while hollering at Mia, who is zipping way too far ahead of us on her razer scooter, “Wait! I said wait!” And once we get to Rubios I have to drag the heavy metal scooter in with us because I’ve never gotten over the time that I left my bike outside Hill Drugs and it was stolen. I’m sporting some massive bruises on my ankles from managing the scooter and Ryan at the soft drink bar where you get to make your own concoction of sugar filled beverages. I was adamant about just saying no to Coke as caffeine and sugar and an over tired two year old is just asking for it. After minor drama regarding having lemon in his drink because his sister had lemon in hers and he has to do everything Mia does right now, we got our food and headed home.
By now it’s coming up on 6:30, but to me if feels like 9:30 so I turn on the TV. I think kids watch way too much television these days, but you know what? Sometimes you just need a fucking break and zoning out to mindless adventures of Zack and Cody feels like a freaking vacation. After dinner I started dropping hints to Ryan about how much fun it was going to be to read stories. Unfortunately he was totally on to me and he knows that “stories” means bedtime. By 7:45 he was too wiped out to care and the call of the baba was way too enticing. After reading him about seven books, during which time I kept dimming the lights more and more, to the point where it was so dark I was making stuff up because I couldn’t see, he finally passed out.
At 8:20 I joined Mia downstairs for a scintillating movie called “The Cheetah Girls.” Something in me said, “this is not age appropriate entertainment for an almost 7 year old,” but I was too beat down to argue. The movie did not end until almost 10 pm and then we had to watch the new Hilary Duff video wherein Disney’s darling is all tarted up like a porn star and still this does not distract from the fact that she really can’t sing. Mia LOVES Hilary Duff. This frightens me, but as long as she honored our agreement that she would go to bed right after the video I would happily suffer through it. And she did.
I went up to bed shortly after Mia and it felt like I’d only been asleep for about 10 minutes when I heard Ryan running down the hall for his 4 a.m. baba. I handed it to him and threw the covers back so that he could slide in next to me and he informed me, “No. I sleep on the udder side.” Okay dude, whatever makes you happy. He climed over me, sucked down the baba, puts his little arms around my neck and spent the rest of the night kicking me in the stomach with his feet so that I was sleeping on the 5” closest to the edge of the bed. The dog lay in the corner licking her front paws over and over and over. Unlike the kids she’s got separation anxiety.
I lay there and watched the room grow lighter as dawn turned to day. Mia came in for morning cuddles and then we all got up to prep for the day’s activities. I had to get Mia ready for her ride to camp, which was going to arrive at 8:40 a.m. I made breakfast, got her dressed and put food in her backpack. I got her curly hair combed out all cute and I got her upstairs to brush her teeth. I did all of this while she was glued to the TV set because she hit the “on” button the minute we got downstairs and I hadn’t yet realized that the TV has some kind of mind control over children that’s just plain scary.
Once Mia was off to camp we had one little hiccup wherein Ryan drew all over the TV screen with a green felt pen and tried to wipe it off with the sleeves of his sisters jacket that he was wearing. When he realized that it was only making the mess worse he came and got me where I stood in the kitchen not 5 feet away. The kid is quick. Luckily the felt pen came off with some spray cleaner, but he still had to have a time out to think about how he would never do that again. And so I would have some idea where he was and what he was doing while I finished in the kitchen. Then it was all about getting him dressed and we were off to the grocery store. I was a little scared about taking a toddler into the market because the shelves hold all kinds of temptations, but we did pretty good since we stayed mostly on the produce aisle and I introduced him to smell-o-shopping. All I had to do was point out to him how cilantro smells when you shake it and put your face in it and he was completely engaged. We got out of the market pretty easily all things considered. I did buy him juice boxes with a snowboarder on the front, but that was it. I didn’t have any issues at the check out where they keep all the candy.
After unloading groceries we packed a snack and headed to the park where I wedged my adult sized ass onto jungle gyms and slides that are built for much smaller posteriors. We sat in front of the steering wheel and as Ryan drove I san Fly Me to the Moon, much to the amusement of all the hispanic nannies at the park with their charges. I was exhausted and wearing smashed grapes so I didn’t really care what people thought. Plus, Ryan is a big cuddler and I am putty in his hands.
We weren’t home 10 minutes before Mia returned and the TV was on. I no longer cared that it was sucking out her soul. They were both alive and happy and that was my mission. I made hot dogs for lunch and let her watch “Totally Raven,” which she’s totally not supposed to watch, because you got to pick your battles and I’d only had about 4 hours of sleep so I wasn’t up for the negotiations.
Leisa and Matt got home and they’d had a great time and so had we, and as always I left with a deep appreciation for the job that is mommy. And a new understanding of why my mom took Valium when I was a kid.
Last week I went down to Long Beach to babysit for Ryan (2.11) and Mia (6.8) while their parents went down to San Diego for Matt’s gig at the new House of Blues. I’ve known these kids since they came into the world and it’s always a pleasure to spend time with them. After 24 hours of babysitting I am always in awe of my friends who stay home and raise their children. It’s exhausting. Leisa says that you get to ease into it because you start out with a newborn, but still, I say it’s harder than any job I’ve ever done.
We went to a playdate at Meg’s house because her kids are about the same age. And they have a slip and slide. And a new kitten named Sunny. And Meg had a nice chilled bottle of white wine. Sitting in the backyard of Meg’s house watching the kids play in the sun reminded me of lazy summer days when I was a little girl. Our slip and slide didn’t have a “splash zone” at the end of it so we would often slide right off the end of it and hurtle into the cement wall my dad built to create planter boxes. Between the 70s version of the slip and slide and Mr. Wiggle, the toy that also attached to the hose and then proceeded to chase you around the backyard squirting you and trying to strangle you our summers in the backyard were a bit edgier.
After slipping and sliding the afternoon away we left to go back home about 5pm. In the rear view mirror I could see Ryan’s eyes drooping and my stomach clenched with fear that he would fall into a five o’clock nap. So I resorted to one of my dad’s tricks for keeping kids awake. He used to sit at the light and tap the brakes and make the car do the cha-cha. Now this was probably more fun back in the good old days when no one wore seatbelts because every time he’d hit the brakes our little bodies would smack into the car seat in front of us and, gasping with laughter we would be climbing back up onto the seats when he’d do it again. We thought this was hilarious and would chorus from the back seat, “Do it again!” Since both kids were strapped into the backseat of mom’s station wagon only their heads would snap back and forth, but they still giggled and wanted more and from the backseat they chorused, “Auntie Susie, you drive crazy!”
Whatever it takes – just don’t go to sleep.
When we got back to the house, all eyes open, it was decided that we should walk down to Rubio’s for dinner. That sounds so simple doesn’t it? It’s not. “Walking” up to the corner is made much more difficult when Ryan wants to go on his peddle bike with the long handle behind it for pushing and decides that the handles are sticky from the last time he was on it with a sucker and he doesn’t want to touch them. This means he’s not steering so I have to tilt the thing back and push him up the street while hollering at Mia, who is zipping way too far ahead of us on her razer scooter, “Wait! I said wait!” And once we get to Rubios I have to drag the heavy metal scooter in with us because I’ve never gotten over the time that I left my bike outside Hill Drugs and it was stolen. I’m sporting some massive bruises on my ankles from managing the scooter and Ryan at the soft drink bar where you get to make your own concoction of sugar filled beverages. I was adamant about just saying no to Coke as caffeine and sugar and an over tired two year old is just asking for it. After minor drama regarding having lemon in his drink because his sister had lemon in hers and he has to do everything Mia does right now, we got our food and headed home.
By now it’s coming up on 6:30, but to me if feels like 9:30 so I turn on the TV. I think kids watch way too much television these days, but you know what? Sometimes you just need a fucking break and zoning out to mindless adventures of Zack and Cody feels like a freaking vacation. After dinner I started dropping hints to Ryan about how much fun it was going to be to read stories. Unfortunately he was totally on to me and he knows that “stories” means bedtime. By 7:45 he was too wiped out to care and the call of the baba was way too enticing. After reading him about seven books, during which time I kept dimming the lights more and more, to the point where it was so dark I was making stuff up because I couldn’t see, he finally passed out.
At 8:20 I joined Mia downstairs for a scintillating movie called “The Cheetah Girls.” Something in me said, “this is not age appropriate entertainment for an almost 7 year old,” but I was too beat down to argue. The movie did not end until almost 10 pm and then we had to watch the new Hilary Duff video wherein Disney’s darling is all tarted up like a porn star and still this does not distract from the fact that she really can’t sing. Mia LOVES Hilary Duff. This frightens me, but as long as she honored our agreement that she would go to bed right after the video I would happily suffer through it. And she did.
I went up to bed shortly after Mia and it felt like I’d only been asleep for about 10 minutes when I heard Ryan running down the hall for his 4 a.m. baba. I handed it to him and threw the covers back so that he could slide in next to me and he informed me, “No. I sleep on the udder side.” Okay dude, whatever makes you happy. He climed over me, sucked down the baba, puts his little arms around my neck and spent the rest of the night kicking me in the stomach with his feet so that I was sleeping on the 5” closest to the edge of the bed. The dog lay in the corner licking her front paws over and over and over. Unlike the kids she’s got separation anxiety.
I lay there and watched the room grow lighter as dawn turned to day. Mia came in for morning cuddles and then we all got up to prep for the day’s activities. I had to get Mia ready for her ride to camp, which was going to arrive at 8:40 a.m. I made breakfast, got her dressed and put food in her backpack. I got her curly hair combed out all cute and I got her upstairs to brush her teeth. I did all of this while she was glued to the TV set because she hit the “on” button the minute we got downstairs and I hadn’t yet realized that the TV has some kind of mind control over children that’s just plain scary.
Once Mia was off to camp we had one little hiccup wherein Ryan drew all over the TV screen with a green felt pen and tried to wipe it off with the sleeves of his sisters jacket that he was wearing. When he realized that it was only making the mess worse he came and got me where I stood in the kitchen not 5 feet away. The kid is quick. Luckily the felt pen came off with some spray cleaner, but he still had to have a time out to think about how he would never do that again. And so I would have some idea where he was and what he was doing while I finished in the kitchen. Then it was all about getting him dressed and we were off to the grocery store. I was a little scared about taking a toddler into the market because the shelves hold all kinds of temptations, but we did pretty good since we stayed mostly on the produce aisle and I introduced him to smell-o-shopping. All I had to do was point out to him how cilantro smells when you shake it and put your face in it and he was completely engaged. We got out of the market pretty easily all things considered. I did buy him juice boxes with a snowboarder on the front, but that was it. I didn’t have any issues at the check out where they keep all the candy.
After unloading groceries we packed a snack and headed to the park where I wedged my adult sized ass onto jungle gyms and slides that are built for much smaller posteriors. We sat in front of the steering wheel and as Ryan drove I san Fly Me to the Moon, much to the amusement of all the hispanic nannies at the park with their charges. I was exhausted and wearing smashed grapes so I didn’t really care what people thought. Plus, Ryan is a big cuddler and I am putty in his hands.
We weren’t home 10 minutes before Mia returned and the TV was on. I no longer cared that it was sucking out her soul. They were both alive and happy and that was my mission. I made hot dogs for lunch and let her watch “Totally Raven,” which she’s totally not supposed to watch, because you got to pick your battles and I’d only had about 4 hours of sleep so I wasn’t up for the negotiations.
Leisa and Matt got home and they’d had a great time and so had we, and as always I left with a deep appreciation for the job that is mommy. And a new understanding of why my mom took Valium when I was a kid.
Monday, July 18, 2005
HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN
I left home last Thursday to go babysit Ryan (2.11) and Mia (6.8), and I didn't get home until this morning at 11am.
Needless to say I wasn't babysitting the whole time.
I went on an adventure and now I've got a sore throat, I'm tired and out of it.
But I had the best time getting there.
More tomorrow.
Or later.
I left home last Thursday to go babysit Ryan (2.11) and Mia (6.8), and I didn't get home until this morning at 11am.
Needless to say I wasn't babysitting the whole time.
I went on an adventure and now I've got a sore throat, I'm tired and out of it.
But I had the best time getting there.
More tomorrow.
Or later.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
LAUGHING OUT LOUD
So like I was saying, things have a been a little stressful for me lately what with getting laid off and interviewing for lots of jobs that pay very little, and then not getting them. Yesterday I turned a corner though. I had a paradigm shift. I got a shot of courage, or possibly just baptized myself in the river of delusion and denial. See, there's doubt talking.
But really, I decided that perhaps I have been aiming low and playing safe and that is why nothing is happening on the low paying, not challenging because I've been doing this for years job front. Maybe what is next is for me to step into that "someday" scenario and live it like it's today.
Because it is. Today, I mean.
So I'm beating out the next script. Beating is actually a really accurate word because it's often effortful to sit here in front of the computer and write coherently. And, you know, like tell a story. Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends, who is married to one of the first writers I ever worked for and she told me that he really has to force himself to go sit down and do it. This was news to me because he always made it seem so effortless. I swear the guy writes so prolifically he's like those ballroom dancers who make it look so easy. It wasn't until Dancing with the Stars that you got to see how hard it really is to keep that smile on your face and remember all the steps. So, I was happy to hear that this writing thing is sometimes hard for him too. Not because he's suffering, but because it's apparently normal for this to feel challenging.
Luckily for me I have places I can go when I need a little break. Today Dooce made me laugh out loud. And then there's Gary whose video makes me strangely happy every time I watch it and finally this guy who is pretty much joyful expression personified. I'm pretty much crushing on him.
The point is that no matter how bad, or scared, or depressed I might feel it's nice to know that I can still laugh. If you can laugh out loud, how bad can it be?
So like I was saying, things have a been a little stressful for me lately what with getting laid off and interviewing for lots of jobs that pay very little, and then not getting them. Yesterday I turned a corner though. I had a paradigm shift. I got a shot of courage, or possibly just baptized myself in the river of delusion and denial. See, there's doubt talking.
But really, I decided that perhaps I have been aiming low and playing safe and that is why nothing is happening on the low paying, not challenging because I've been doing this for years job front. Maybe what is next is for me to step into that "someday" scenario and live it like it's today.
Because it is. Today, I mean.
So I'm beating out the next script. Beating is actually a really accurate word because it's often effortful to sit here in front of the computer and write coherently. And, you know, like tell a story. Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends, who is married to one of the first writers I ever worked for and she told me that he really has to force himself to go sit down and do it. This was news to me because he always made it seem so effortless. I swear the guy writes so prolifically he's like those ballroom dancers who make it look so easy. It wasn't until Dancing with the Stars that you got to see how hard it really is to keep that smile on your face and remember all the steps. So, I was happy to hear that this writing thing is sometimes hard for him too. Not because he's suffering, but because it's apparently normal for this to feel challenging.
Luckily for me I have places I can go when I need a little break. Today Dooce made me laugh out loud. And then there's Gary whose video makes me strangely happy every time I watch it and finally this guy who is pretty much joyful expression personified. I'm pretty much crushing on him.
The point is that no matter how bad, or scared, or depressed I might feel it's nice to know that I can still laugh. If you can laugh out loud, how bad can it be?
Friday, July 08, 2005
OKAY
The past week has been a rough one in that I had a job interview last Friday and it turned out that I really wanted the job. Like rilly, rilly. Didn’t care how much it paid, I just wanted the opportunity. Sadly, they did’t want me. I figured this out sometime on Wednesday and wrote a thank you note because I’m classy like that and then spent yesterday trying to let it go. You can know that it has nothing to do with you personally, but it’s still disappointing and hard to shake off.
Letting it go was made easier yesterday by waking up to the news that there had been a terrorist attack in London. Talk about a shift in perspective. I was unable to reach Gemma and Tim so I was distracted all day with the vision of them being trapped in a tunnel, or wounded in a hospital. The Brits have been dealing with bombings and terrorism in their city much longer than the Yanks what with the IRA and all, but it’s been a while. I don’t think it’s something that you ever get used to. I think about that everytime I see that another Israeli bus or pizza parlor has been blown up. Even though it seems that it’s become part of your life, is it ever something you get used to? How could you?
I hate fireworks hence, I don’t have big love for the 4th of July. I know it’s all about patriotism and all that, but my body experiences it as huge explosions and it unsettles me. The last time I was actually at a “fireworks show,” e.g. close to the action as opposed to watching from the distance of Dodger stadium, was a couple years ago at my best friend’s lake house. Everytime the things exploded me and the dog cowered and shuddered. Now I just pass. My preferred viewing of fireworks is from the 5 freeway when I drive by Disneyland. It’s just pretty lights – no sound other than whatever is playing on the stereo. We live with the threat of bombs, or terrorist attacks, and a fear that is fanned by the government via the media to keep us maleable. But there are places in the world where they live with the reality of explosions and sniper fire everyday. They can’t opt out like I did on the fireworks show. Yet people get up every day and go to work and spend time with their families despite that reality.
Today I heard from Gemma and was incredibly relieved to know that they are fine. Life goes on. And it puts things into perspective with regard to my personal life. I will find a job and life will go on because it’s what we do. We keep going.
The past week has been a rough one in that I had a job interview last Friday and it turned out that I really wanted the job. Like rilly, rilly. Didn’t care how much it paid, I just wanted the opportunity. Sadly, they did’t want me. I figured this out sometime on Wednesday and wrote a thank you note because I’m classy like that and then spent yesterday trying to let it go. You can know that it has nothing to do with you personally, but it’s still disappointing and hard to shake off.
Letting it go was made easier yesterday by waking up to the news that there had been a terrorist attack in London. Talk about a shift in perspective. I was unable to reach Gemma and Tim so I was distracted all day with the vision of them being trapped in a tunnel, or wounded in a hospital. The Brits have been dealing with bombings and terrorism in their city much longer than the Yanks what with the IRA and all, but it’s been a while. I don’t think it’s something that you ever get used to. I think about that everytime I see that another Israeli bus or pizza parlor has been blown up. Even though it seems that it’s become part of your life, is it ever something you get used to? How could you?
I hate fireworks hence, I don’t have big love for the 4th of July. I know it’s all about patriotism and all that, but my body experiences it as huge explosions and it unsettles me. The last time I was actually at a “fireworks show,” e.g. close to the action as opposed to watching from the distance of Dodger stadium, was a couple years ago at my best friend’s lake house. Everytime the things exploded me and the dog cowered and shuddered. Now I just pass. My preferred viewing of fireworks is from the 5 freeway when I drive by Disneyland. It’s just pretty lights – no sound other than whatever is playing on the stereo. We live with the threat of bombs, or terrorist attacks, and a fear that is fanned by the government via the media to keep us maleable. But there are places in the world where they live with the reality of explosions and sniper fire everyday. They can’t opt out like I did on the fireworks show. Yet people get up every day and go to work and spend time with their families despite that reality.
Today I heard from Gemma and was incredibly relieved to know that they are fine. Life goes on. And it puts things into perspective with regard to my personal life. I will find a job and life will go on because it’s what we do. We keep going.
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